Canadian entertainers pray Hollywood doesn't burn down before they get there
TORONTO, ON—In the wake of an American political maelstrom, houses of worship in major Canadian cities have seen dramatic increases in the overall size and desperation of their congregations. Most notably present are the hoards of Canadian entertainers and writers flocking to Toronto's churches, mosques, synagogues, and temples.
Their aim is to beg, borrow, or steal a word with whichever deity will listen to their frantic pleas to keep Hollywood in one piece long enough for them to catch their big break.
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"I know there's something special inside me – something both artistically brilliant and commercially viable," said Casey Brant, an aspiring actor and Buddhist. The 25-year-old added, "My fear now is that my light won't shine as bright against the fiery landscape of Armageddon."
Other young artists are looking to the traditions of their parents to find their divine path to stardom. For years, Sam Glaser, 32, identified as a "cultural Jew." Recently though, his spirituality has deepened. The filmmaker, who "seriously just" got his US visa, explained, "the God of the Old Testament — you know, the angry, vengeful guy, — after what I went through to get my paperwork approved, that character really resonates with me."
Initially ecstatic about the surge in believers, clergymen, imams, rabbis, and monks now share a growing concern about the agenda of their new disciples. Catholic confessionals are seeing particularly high traffic.
"Not many sins being confessed," a beleaguered Father Ramos, 60, reported. "But I've heard so many elevator pitches that I've decided to give a sermon on it next Sunday. Just some basic dos and don'ts."
Though nearly all the holy leaders have signed stringent NDAs, several have gone off the record to mention that mostly everyone is "just ripping off True Detective anyway."
Religious services in the past few weeks have been standing room-only due to such a large volume of hopefuls vying for the relatively few seats. The spike in attendance has caused an administrative nightmare for all of God's houses, many of which have had to hire additional staff to rope off lines, screen video reels, and attend to God's guest list.
"It's just nonstop," said PR consultant Valentina Reese. Reese, 23, who represents a popular Toronto mosque, added that the institution has grown extremely selective. "TV credits are a must. And really we can't even consider granting someone entry before they have any awards or accolades in their field."
So why not just stay in Canada? Is the pilgrimage to Hollywood the only way for Canadian artists to get what they seek? With the apocalypse imminent, it might seem more rational to carve out humbler goals within the flavourless bureaucracy of Canadian entertainment. But to true believers, there is no option but to keep going.
Chima Bello, 44, has travelled to LA for pilot season every year for over a decade. To him, it's a question of faith: "It's about believing in what I cannot see. I have a deep trust in the doctrine of the American star system. It's what I turn to in moments of despair. It's always there. By the glowing light of fame, I am guided."
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