Dying runner uses last breath to post Facebook status instead of calling 911
MONTREAL, QC—Avid runner and spandex enthusiast Randy Miles is remembered as a man whose purpose in life was to put one foot in front of the other. When he wasn't hitting the pavement, he was hitting up his Facebook page and posting about running, much to the detriment of his friends and loved ones who were tragically unaware of the Facebook function that allows you to unfollow someone without completely unfriending them.
Miles' news feed was riddled with "runner porn" – an endless assault of photos of running shoes, sunsets, and inspirational quotes that runners commonly masturbate to. An anonymous source recently commented, "sadly, Randy's Fitbit got more action than his wife's clitbit".
Miles was notorious for refusing to drive or use public transit, instead opting to run with his data turned on so he could update his Facebook multiple times en route. Last year, Miles ran to his daughter's wedding and down the aisle in a tuxedo t-shirt and black running shorts, leaving her "in his dust."
Miles made a point to never participate in charity runs, making it clear that his running was solely for his own benefit. In one Facebook post he said that the Heart and Stroke Foundation had reached out to him about whether he'd join their fundraising run, to which he responded, "If everyone just ran more, we wouldn't need these so-called health organizations."
