Matching novelty t-shirts a death knell for couple's sex life

PETERBOROUGH, ON—Saying that what seemed like an innocuous purchase was in fact an erotic catastrophe, sources confirmed Thursday morning that Dan and Cynthia Lowry's purchase of two matching XXL novelty t-shirts, each emblazoned with a cartoon beaver nursing a cup of coffee with the caption "Dam Tired," was an almost instantaneous death knell for the couple's sex life.

"There is no coming back from this," said University of Toronto professor of human sexuality Dr. Binu Kumar, adding that it was impossible for any person — regardless of gender, age or sexuality — to look at their partner draped in that cheaply-made cotton sac adorned with that stupid fucking beaver and become aroused. "It's a form of erotic suicide."

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Local gift shop owner Ronald Tobias, who sold the beaver t-shirts to the couple, admitted he was "deeply ashamed" for his complicity in the couple's purchase.

"I'll never forget the look on his face," Tobias said, referring to Mr. Lowry's dipshit grin as he brought the shirts to the register, smiling as if the idiotic pun was somehow so hilarious that it didn't matter if his wife would no longer be able to see him as a sexual being or that everything he found sexy about her body would now be hidden nightly underneath a cartoon beaver on an oversized puke-green t-shirt.

"The poor bastard just had no idea."

At press time, sources said the couple is still content with their purchase, laughing at how cute each another looked in their respective beaver shirts, and heartbreakingly oblivious to the fact that they would never make love ever again.

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