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StubHub jacks up bandwagon ticket prices after Jays win

General admission tickets to get on the bandwagon sold out within minutes after whatever-his-name hit that ball hard enough that it allowed him to run all three bases and return to home base (also known as a home run?) and lead the Blue Jays into baseball glory.
Brian Millward · CBC Comedy ·
(Shutterstock / GTS Productions)

TORONTO, ON—After last night's nail-biting Wild Card game victory over the Baltimore Orioles, the Blue Jays bandwagon has officially pulled into The 6ix. However, getting on board the bandwagon may be harder than ever as ticketing agent StubHub is jacking up their prices for bandwagon tickets.

General admission tickets to get on the bandwagon sold out within minutes after whatever-his-name hit that ball hard enough that it allowed him to run all three bases and return to home base (also known as a home run?) and lead the Blue Jays into baseball glory.

The excitement quickly spread to non-sports fans who eagerly welcomed a new reason to binge drink and yell at inanimate objects.

Bandwagon tickets were also available on EBay where the highest bid was from a man offering his eldest child and a half-eaten package of Fun Dip. With bandwagon ticket prices so high, these novice fans are going to have to either pay up or shut up.

Bandwagon tickets not only allow newbies to gain admission to any bar playing future Blue Jays games, but also come with extra perks to help the sports-inept tag along with all of the festivities. These perks include:

  • A list of all players ranked by sex appeal because really that's the only reason you're going to be watching. When in doubt just keep your eyes on Pillar and/or Donaldson.
  • An instructional DVD that teaches you basic cheers such as "the wave," "the Tulo chant," and the new classic "toss your beer" interference manoeuvre.
  • A feeling charts to help you identify your only two options, which are constant orgasm or apocalyptic doom.
  • A Sharpie marker so you are able to draw on your very own Bautista beard.

Some scalpers have also been reported falsely advertising Blue Jays bandwagon tickets and instead selling Maple Leafs season tickets. The Toronto Police commissioner has said that they are seriously investigating this heinous crime.

In a world so divided it is time that we accept the bandwagon patrons for who they are. They might not know the rules of the game, any of the players' names, or even where they are, but they are the ones screaming the loudest because everyone around them is also screaming and they don't want to feel left out. They deserve a seat at the table even though they will turn their back on us the instant we stop winning.

Actually, it's possible that they deserve to be scammed for everything they're worth.

Bandwagon fans are fans too (kinda):

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