Comedy·HEALTH

HEALTHIER EATING TIP: Spiralize a large cheese pizza

People have replaced their favourite carb-heavy pasta meals with zucchini, carrot, and sweet potato noodles made with homemade spiralizers. There’s clearly something inherent in the act of spiralizing that makes these foods magically healthy.
(Shutterstock / Africa Studio)

If you've paid any attention over the past few years, it's clear that in addition to watching your calories, exercising, and choosing more nutritious foods, there's a new key to absolute health and weight loss.

Spiralizing.

People have replaced their favourite carb-heavy pasta meals with zucchini, carrot, and sweet potato noodles made with homemade spiralizers. There's clearly something inherent in the act of spiralizing that makes these foods magically healthy.

Heck, if you took the same spaghetti you were going to eat in the first place and ran it through the spiralizer, studies that I am imagining taking place would quite powerfully show that it would suddenly become a healthy meal.

In fact, the most stereotypically "unhealthy" meals can be wrangled into healthiness with the use of a spiralizer. For example, follow this simple tip:

Spiralize. A. Large. Cheese. Pizza.

Now that can't possibly be as simple as it sounds, right? Well let's find out:

Step 1: Obtain a spiralizer

Step 2: Obtain a large, frozen cheese pizza

Step 3: Shove it in there and crank.

Step 4: If it's not spiralizing, shove harder and crank harder.

And voila. 6 hours later, you've got a perfectly spiralized pizza. Don't worry about thawing out the pizza—that's one of the beauties of this taking so long!

You'll probably be hungry after all that hard work of cranking and shoving, though, so grab another large cheese pizza and do it all again.

See you in 6 more hours for two full pizzas! And why not pour yourself a drink why you're at it—with spiralized ice cubes!

Speaking of liquids, stay tuned for next week's article, when we juice a Big Mac for maximum health benefits.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jeremy has been a staff writer for This Hour Has 22 Minutes, performed stand-up comedy at the Just For Laughs and Winnipeg Comedy Festivals, and co-created/stars in the popular video series The Urbane Explorer/Finding Bessarion. A 3x Canadian Comedy Award–winner and published humour columnist, he also wrote your favourite joke, the one about the fish trying to get a job at a bank.