Weather forecast: Foodora below zero, but UberEats with the wind chill

Large parts of the country continue to be set by frigid temperatures this week, temperatures that are leading to an unprecedented gust of ordering dinner in, accompanied from east to west by a near inability for frozen bodies to pop out to even the nearest take-out place for a meal.

We here at the weather service are predicting these conditions will peak later this week, with our in-house meteorologists predicting that the weather could easily reach Foodora below zero, and possibly even UberEats when one factors in the intensity of the wind chill.

By Thursday it is expected to be extremely frosty, with clear signs of Thai on the horizon, and if that is unavailable, perhaps even the new Italian place around the corner—who knows if it's good, but it seems warm and it comes right to the door.

Anybody planning to leave their residence this week for any reason is advised to grab their coat, toque, scarf, and warmest boots, then make sure all those things are stuck in the closet because even with those on hand they should not going anywhere, and these seemingly cozy items will only be possible temptations toward the foolhardy notion of exiting the premises.

If they are still considering venturing outdoors after following that step, individuals are then advised to check their phone. Upon doing so, they are instructed to realize that there are several outlets that will, using that phone,  take a food order from them, cook that food, and then bring it to them—as well as websites that will similarly deliver whatever non-nutritive item they require. They are then cautioned to take off those damn boots and toque and sit down and just order those things and wait, warmly, for them to arrive.

After this cold spell passes, vigilance should remain: at temperatures of "okay I think I can go outside if I run," denizens and diners of the city should still practice frequent delivery of comestible goods, layering themselves up in steaming takeout containers and stockpiling great numbers of receipts and strips of paper featuring formerly cookie-enclosed fortunes to be used for kindling.

When help (food) arrives, citizens are advised not to ask whether the food's bearer arrived by bicycle unless their conscience is well-bundled and prepared to receive the cold, hard truth.

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