How not to be an idiot in political conversations: a guide

In today's political and social climate, not being an idiot is more important than ever. But it can feel overwhelming to avoid saying stupid, ignorant, or ridiculous things, while engaging in responsible conversations and discourse can seem almost impossible.

In an era now defined by pure idiocy (to say the least), I've prepared a guide for you to navigate the ins and outs of conversations around massive political and social events without being branded a complete moron. Below are the questions I'm sure you have, as well as any answers you may need. You're very welcome.

Okay, so when can I make topical jokes about the news?

What "topical jokes" do you have in mind?

I mean, James Corden made a Harvey Weinstein joke –

No. Stop right now. You can't make jokes about a systemic crisis affecting thousands and thousands of people.

Yeah, but Harvey Weinstein got fired, right?

Is your joke worth the risk that you might traumatize someone who's been victimized?

Well, no –

Exactly. Also, it's likely a terrible joke. Next question.

Can I dress up like Donald Trump for Halloween?

Are you an idiot?

I don't think so.

Then we move on. (Also: no.)

Okay, well I disagree with a number of the points you're making.

That isn't a question. But see, this is a reasonable way to begin a discussion. Are you angry about my points because you feel like you're being silenced?

That's exactly why!

Of course it is. Okay, well it's like this: if your biggest problem is that you can't make a joke about a disaster, you don't really have any problems.

Well what if I just want to play the devil's advocate?

Right, well we both know that's just code for "I'd like to be the worst for a second, please." And we also know that it's not about what we're talking about – it's about you wanting to win an argument for the sake of it.

That's not true.

Yes it is.

Okay, it's true. But what if I think there are two sides to every story?

Well, there are! And when we're talking about Donald Trump or Harvey Weinstein, usually one is right, and one is wrong.

What if I want to weigh in on one of those sides?

I mean, I'm already exhausted and we've been speaking for less than four minutes, but try this: do your homework first. Like, actually read books. Read news that wasn't shared by your Aunt Carol on Facebook. Ask questions about things you don't understand. Listen when somebody is speaking to you, especially if they're trying to answer the question you asked in the first place. And if you don't like the answer, ask yourself why.

This sounds like a lot of work. What are my other options?

Not speaking at all?

Is that an option?

That is always an option.

But, knowing who I am, I'm probably not going to take that option. So what's a good rule to follow to avoid being an idiot?

There's a line from The Office I saved especially for this conversation: "Every time I'm about to do something, I ask myself 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."

An idiot would make jokes about Harvey Weinstein.

That is correct.

An idiot would dress up like Donald Trump for Halloween.

An idiot most definitely would.

And the devil's advocate?

Most definitely an idiot.

Thank you for this, you changed my life.

I know.

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