How to start conversations with famous people

Another year, another TIFF, another cliché used to start a piece about those aforementioned things. Because as you undoubtedly have been made aware, the 42nd Toronto International Film Festival is beginning this week, and with it comes an onslaught of famous people who are available to befriend – provided you play your cards right.

Thus, consider this guide your own personal hand. (Of cards. Stay with me, you'll never fit in if you can't keep up.) You have one chance to make a good first impression, and as long as you act like you know what you're doing and conduct yourself in a way typically reserved for a grown adult trying to impress someone from high school who still somehow intimidates you, you'll be fine.

And if you're not, I will leave you behind at a party and feel not guilty in the least.

1. "Are you – "

And this is where you play it cold. As their expression lights up in the midst of believing you're about to shower them with praise, you finish the sentence with, " – in line, or can I get by, please?" In truth, I used this one time with a Famous™ at a TIFF party long ago, and while I genuinely did need to get by, there is no power like the one you wield when asking someone famous to exhibit some common sense.

Now they will be your fan.

2. "This party is terrible."

It doesn't have to be true, it just has to be a thing you say. Immediately, you will bond over how terrible ("terrible") a time you're having, allowing you to take the reins by suggesting you both bail and go to McDonalds and listen to the Hamilton soundtrack in the car because, honestly, you've been standing around for 15 minutes pretending to look engaged and that constitutes a good time for zero people ever, thank you.

3. "I'm so sorry to interrupt, but Leo always has such nice things to say about you."

You didn't say which Leo it was. It could be Leo, your hairstylist. Leo, the sales associate at the Gap. Leo, the son from the hit show Smash (who was also in Brooklyn, by the way, but that's a conversation for another day). Whether or not a second party chooses to believe you are referring to Leonardo DiCaprio is their own problem. They're your friend now, and would never jeopardize your friendship by asking to meet him.

4. "Who's your favourite member of One Direction?"

Because if they can't answer this question, or worse – they imply the band's hiatus suggests a permanence that we know to be false – this celebrity is garbage and before leaving them behind in the dust where they belong, you should shame them publicly for their lack of belief in the institution that is Harry, Louis, Liam, and Niall.

Unless they say "Harry." Because he's mine, too.

5. "What's it like to play pretend?"

That is what acting is. If they didn't want the realities of their jobs being articulated through your words at a TIFF party, they shouldn't have chosen a job that involves pretending to be somebody else. Also, only a real Christian Bale would ever be bothered by someone calling acting exactly what it is. I type words on a screen and scream-write my opinions. They get paid to play dress-up. It's great.

6. "I love your dress!"

I've never tried this, but last week somebody told me they liked my jacket and I launched into a 20-minute monologue about where I got it and how cheap it was and why there's nothing like scoring a deal at a great store, and holy shit, isn't the autumn great, and do you want to hang out sometime I feel like we've really bonded here. And the person was like "Um, yeah, sure, but also did you want rice or salad with your Red Lobster Ultimate Feast?"

It's worth a shot.

7. "Hi!"

I mean, look. Everybody wants to be acknowledged.

8. [Any criticism about a third person you know they openly hate]

Nothing bonds two people like the hatred they share over a person who is truly the worst. Yes, do a little research. Sure, lean in to whatever direction the conversation is heading. And then ignore the rising feeling that as soon as you're finished speaking with them, they're going to turn around and talk the same amount of shit about you. You have a real friend now (for a while).

9. "Which one of you is TIFF?"

Because if this doesn't deliver a few laughs, then why are any of us even here at this point?

10. "HELP!"

When the most famous person comes rushing over, you say, "I'm bored and it sucks!" While everybody retreats, laughing, you ask Idris Elba what he's drinking and say "Oh cool, this is just soda water." He nods approvingly and asks what you do for a living. "I write," you say, printing out this page and handing it to him, knowing it is the prose of a genius and good luck warding off how impressed he's become. He reads it, confused. "No, I'm not Anne T. Donahue," you say. "But I know her. Follow me."

And that's when Idris Elba and I meet for the first time, and, in awe of each other's talent, leave this nonsense TIFF party and sing the entirety of Hamilton over McNuggets. Amen.

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