Indecisive Ryerson student struggling to choose a major asshole to sleep with

TORONTO, ON—It's a big decision that could have long-ranging consequences for the rest of her life.

Justine Ramirez, who enters the second year of her undergrad arts program at Ryerson University this week, says she knows it's time she picked a major asshole to hook up with, but that she's overwhelmed by the sheer number of options available.

"Okay. I think I've narrowed it down to three or four," she explains. "Ugh, I don't think my parents are going to be very happy about any of them. My whole life they've been really pushing me to get into science guys, even though who I really want to do is someone in theatre."

She continues, "I had a real heart-to-heart with my residence advisor this morning, and she told me it's important to do someone you want to do, rather than someone you feel you should do."

Ramirez takes out a heavily underlined and highlighted notebook, clears her throat nervously, and runs through her shortlist.

"Option number one: there's this guy Todd who lives on my floor in residence. He's in an improv troupe called Scrotal Eclipse of the Heart. He hates his parents. He wears a cloak. He's incapable of eye contact. I don't know. Him?"

"Or if I want to go the more practical route, there's this other guy Anwar I see at the library sometimes. He's doing his MBA in Manager Management. I never know if he's talking to me or into one of his four Blueteeth. He's never not yawning. So that's another possibility."

"Well and then there's Sebastian, who's in my philosophy seminar and looooves to listen to himself talk, though he never actually says anything. I know, I know, I know what you're thinking: practically speaking, what am I going to do with a philosophy class hook-up? Like is there any real use for it, beyond just personal growth? Probably not. Okay, yeah, maybe scrap that one."

Ryerson's Dean of Arts says while he understands the stress Ramirez is under, she shouldn't put too much pressure on herself to decide on a major asshole.

"I know in the moment, it feels like a hugely momentous, consequential decision, but it's really not," shares Lloyd Flannery from atop his leather desk. "The reality is, you can pick whatever major asshole you feel like now – it won't preclude you from delving into other areas of interest later on down the road."

"Like non-assholes, for example!" he adds.

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