New "Essential Simon and Garfunkel" CD sends nursing home into frenzied orgy

BURLINGTON, ON—Overwhelming the residents with its raw sexual energy, the new Essential Simon and Garfunkel CD released this week sent Burlington assisted living facility River Meadows into a 72-minute frenzied orgy Sunday afternoon, culminating in what one neighbour described as a "near-deafening" cacophony of orgasmic shrieks.

According to sources within the home, the first sexual stirrings arose in the leisure room during a routine crochet session, shortly after River Meadows staffer Alyson Mendes, 42, popped the first of the acclaimed two-disc collection into a dusty boombox, unknowingly unleashing the full erotic power of the famed folk duo.

"I should've known," Mendes said, still visibly shaken from the incident.

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It began innocently enough, with light touching and kissing, but by the time Scarborough Fair rolled along –Simon and Garfunkel's bold reimagining of the traditional English ballad – the elderly residents were already lost in a frenzy of primal coitus, the line "parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme" a kind of mantra, luring them deeper under the erotic spell of the collection of classic 60s and 70s cuts.

"I guess it was the album cover that ultimately did it for me," said 89-year-old resident Janice Mitchell, adding that the mere sight of Garfunkel—his snug black turtleneck, the dizzying intimacy of his gaze, and those gorgeous, untamed locks unfurling towards the sky—sent a surge of pleasure through her clitoral nerve network she hadn't felt since watching Pierre Elliot Trudeau's inauguration in 1968.

The wild orgy reached its nadir as Bridge over Troubled Water played, its tender harmonies and pensive lyrics about finding comfort in friendship sending the throng of elders touching, licking, and pleasuring one another to new heights of sexual ecstasy.

At press time, the River Meadows staff reported that the residents had since recovered from the incident, and were looking forward to watching Singing in the Rain for movie night.

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