REPORT: 40% of Canadians can no longer afford to die alone

TORONTO, ON—A new report out today from the Fraser Institute reveals that 40% of Canadians no longer have the funds available to die alone. In lieu of a family, many Canadians are projected to be surrounded by Lean Cuisines and personal pan pizzas at a table for one in the afterlife.

Economists cite several factors for the downfall of the classic depiction of a couple happily ice fishing their way through retirement:

• Professional women having higher expectations than the sod huts of their prairie forefathers;
• Entitled millennials expecting to be able to afford both rent and groceries;
• Post-secondary education ending a 400-year run of teen brides

As shacking up slows down, financial planners are advising clients to consider common-law marriage as an alternative to RRSPs. Thinking only of the CPP death benefit, financial advisors now scour their clients' Facebook profiles, finding exes and commenting ":)" on old photos of them together at weddings.

The report also reveals that millennials' bank accounts are currently so drained that couples have delayed couple formation until at least one partner can afford home embalming lessons.

For the resolute singleton, banks now offer "Kick-The-Bucket Kickstarters". Savvy saver Olivia Kline states, "My burial plan is for the feral cats behind my apartment slum to slowly nibble away at my body."

Generation X is getting in on the planning too. Local ad copywriter Dave McCutcheon is opting to "get Tim from accounting to toss me in the organics bin when I die, presumably the one in our shared workspace."

Local property developer TriMonte has stacked co-burial sites in gentrifying areas starting at $20,000. Styled after current hipster dining trends, artisan carpenters have designed "harvest coffins" to fill this niche, where total strangers can share a casual and relaxed eternal resting place.

In yet another instance of millennials not being able to afford the worst-case scenario that older generations took for granted, baby boomer parents are advised to put money aside for at least a basic funeral for their single offspring, unless they think their Taylor will ever find a Madison to hold a vigil at his deathbed.

However, not all millennials are crying into their avocado toast. New dating apps are starting to merge the Tinder model with Kijiji rental ads.

And, as art so often imitates life, romance novelists have found rent-controlled apartments and timeshares to be the bodice-rippers of the new millennium.

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