Representatives from each generation meet in Geneva to determine who had it worst
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—After last year's unproductive summit on who is the climate changiest, representatives from each generation met again today in Geneva to attempt to resolve the ongoing debate around which of them had it the hardest.
With their morning coffees in hand, the generations started out obvious, by pointing to historical events with significant body counts. Reps from the Lost, Greatest, and Baby Boomer generations each made cases for why their war was the most demanding and arduous war.
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"Trench foot!", "Agent Orange!", and "Cold!" were all shouted from across the room.
As his counterparts argued, the representative from the Silent Generation leaned back in his chair until the brouhaha had calmed. Then he slowly, casually revealed what everyone knew was coming — the Nazi card. The other generations bowed their heads, as this was one of few instances where invoking Nazism in debate was actually justified and appropriate.
Western Imperialism is one thing that theoretically unites all generations, however the later generations for whatever reason do not characterize their eras by the nationality of people they killed. Instead, the argument they presented — and appeared to find very compelling — was that the great conflicts of Generations X through Z were the bloody, ferocious crises of self and identity.
All you Boomers had to do was show up and maybe try to not overdose.- Greatest Generation
"You guys knew who you were from the get-go: not communists," said the Millennial. "You knew it so well that you killed everyone who threatened it. But we had to figure out for ourselves what our thing actually was." His facial expression suggested that this process of self-identifying was very exhausting.
Nearing snack time, the internet, a.k.a. World Wide Web, a.k.a. information superhighway, a.k.a. Facebook, became a significant focus of the talks, though the generations could not conclusively say whether it had made things worse, better, or same.
The Baby Boomers, the golden child of generations, could scarcely get a word in without the rest of the generations sighing, coughing, and mumbling under their breath.
"Should he even be here?" said Generation Z. "I mean, come on."
"It's a little rich if you ask me," said the Greatest Generation, who was quick to remind the group that greatest does not mean easiest. "All you Boomers had to do was show up and maybe try to not overdose."
There was an awkward moment before lunch, when the Millennials rep was surprised to find out that his generation did not in fact invent narcissism, performativity, or PTSD as they had previously thought.
The Silent Generation still had mustard on his tie as he launched into a monologue about McCarthyism. As he expounded on the psychic toll of living in a society where a high ranking politician can throw out damning accusations willy-nilly with little concern for evidence or truth, somebody chucked this morning's newspaper at him. After a quick skim of the headlines, he sat down.
"And that's another thing," said Gen X. "The death of print media!"
While the adjective generations took a nap in their chairs, the letter generations argued amongst themselves over whether the American dream is dying (Gen X), dead (Millennials), or never existed (Gen Z).
The Baby Boomer cleared his throat and interjected, "Maybe if you all just tried — "
Again, he was cut off, but this time by the Millennial who expediently launched an online campaign against the Boomer, who has since deactivated his Twitter account.
When each representative finished pursuing their individual agendas, no definitive conclusions had yet been reached. Dinner was served; justice wasn't. Everyone patted themselves on the back.
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