What your favourite pet says about you

First of all, we want to thank you so much for clicking on this article.

We appreciate your click, and will endeavour to earn more of your clicks in the future.

However, what we need to admit up front, right here and now, is that this article is probably not what you think it is.

You see, we didn't exactly intend to mislead you about the content of this article, but it's likely that we did.

We will not be making any guesses about your personality based on the identity of your preferred pet.

Because we already know your favourite pet.

Your favourite pet is your parrot, Gregg.

You already know that, too.

What you didn't know is: Gregg's been talking.

It's time for you to learn what Gregg has to say about you.

We're sure it's never been Gregg's intention to spread gossip. He's a simple, innocent animal. He merely repeats what he hears!

But he does hear a lot.

And this information has been getting around town.

You do know Gregg can fly, right? You thought when you let him out of his cage and let him sit on the couch he just stayed on the couch?

No. He doesn't want to sit around and watch television.

Even if he did want to, he can't! Because of the way a bird's brain works, he merely perceives video as a series of still images! It's true, look it up! Actually a very interesting scientific situation.

But we digress.

This past Wednesday, Gregg was overheard by Mrs. Enid Wilson of Stuart Crescent to proclaim, as he flew past her living room window, "Enjoy your tasty bird food. Enjoy your tasty bird food. Sorry I didn't get the tasty brand of bird food last time, I was in a rush getting home from having an illicit affair with Diane. Enjoy your tasty bird food!"

As you can see, Gregg isn't that concerned with the drama of the human world. It's not what he focuses on — he mostly cares about the bird food. But the juicy stuff does sneak in there. Because Gregg doesn't keep secrets.

No parrot does.

Just today, another source reportedly heard Gregg say, "How'd you get out of your cage! How'd you get out of your cage! I, Bill Masterson, your owner, leave the house for five minutes to do corporate embezzlement crimes, and you leave your cage? Get back in your cage!"

Hm. Wonder where he would have heard something like that.

Honestly, I don't think the way Gregg talks is the problem here. I think the way you talk is the problem here.

You include a lot of personal detail.

It's not up to us to change that, nor is it up to Gregg.

It's up to you.

But we're not saying that you have to.

In conclusion, we think you will have found that the title of this article perfectly reflected its content, even if it may not have been what you were expecting.

Sometimes things can turn out for the best, even if they don't go exactly as you expect.

Hopefully your wife Deborah can keep this lesson in mind as well.

Be well,

CBC Comedy

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