Woman gets flat tire, decides passing away is easiest fix

HIGHWAY 401—A Windsor woman who is currently stranded "somewhere" along the 401 has decided that dying is the easiest solution to the flat tire she sustained just hours ago.

Marina Kreizman, 28, started her journey in the early hours of the morning with the idea she would be making a triumphant cross-Canada roadtrip. Kreizman was only driving for about four hours before getting a nail stuck in her front driver's side tire, rendering her vehicle useless since she has quite literally no idea how to change a tire.

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Kreizman, who called CBC to report her future death, says that her body "becoming one with earth" is the only resolution to her problem. "My Dad was a dancer and my Mom was a poet. The only thing they taught me about cars was that they get you from point A to point B… and currently I'm at point C."

Marina says that the first thing she did when her car abruptly stopped on the side of road was look for the spare tire. After that, she called for roadside assistance and had an agent from CAA confirm higher-than-average wait times. "So then I thought… I'm not going to wait 5 hours for someone to come and find me. I'll do it myself." Kreizman then Googled 'WTF… MY TIRE IS DEAD. HALP!' and stared at her iPhone screen, confused, for several hours until her battery had only 10% remaining. "I held that silver spinny thing in my hand, the one that you use to put on the spare tire…  oh God I don't even know what it's called… anyway, in that moment I just decided that laying down and waiting for imminent death was the simplest remedy. Calling CBC to report that I'm probs gonna die is the last thing on my to-do list."

According to Kreizman, several people tried pulling over to help her, but because of her Catholic upbringing, she couldn't bear the guilt of taking time out of someone else's day. "And so now I wait. I hope my words of inspiration will help people like me who don't know anything about cars. In closing, I'd like to quote the greatest crooner of our time, if I could. I think Michael Bublé said it best when he sang—"

It's unclear whether this reporter hung up or Kreizman's phone died before she could finish.

Kreizman leaves behind a goldfish named Geppetto and several concert ticket stubs from the John Mayer concerts she frequented. She will be missed.

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