Jennifer Newman: How to manage technology and work so it doesn't hurt relationships

These days many people check their phones or email outside of work, but it can take a toll — especially on one's relationship with a significant other, says workplace psychologist Jennifer Newman.

Newman sat down with The Early Edition host Rick Cluff to explain how to not let one's work cellphone rule the roost.

Rick Cluff: How do the electronic devices we use for work hurt our intimate relationships?

Jennifer Newman: Basically, using mobile devices to do work on family or couple time. Examples can include checking email at the dinner table, taking one more call at bedtime, finishing something up while watching the kid's baseball game, or looking through work email when a partner is trying to tell them about their day.

Workers' partners want each other's support, approval and attention, and when they can't get it, trouble can brew.

Yet, many workers say they like the flexibility to work anywhere, and when it suits them.

Yes, some people have control over their technology and they decide when and how often to use it off-hours. These folks love it because they can choose what to do and when, including turning it off or putting it away.

The workers who struggle most are the ones who don't have a choice — there's pressure to be accessible all the time, they can't choose what to respond to, if anything. Workers in this predicament see work intruding on couple time. For example, there was a service manager who kept his cell on during vacations. He'd email staff and take their calls, but it drove his partner to distraction.

What is the effect on partners when technology takes over?

Both workers in the relationship can feel upset when the other is on their device. There's a lot of resentment, they feel betrayed because the expected time and attention isn't there. They feel ignored, they can become bitter and frustrated. They could also feel burdened by having to do household tasks alone, while their spouse is sifting through email.

There can be a desire to protect the relationship from work. This leads to a lack of support for the other's workplace. So, they begin to have a negative attitude toward the organization their partner works for. That can be tough because it leads to ambivalence. Workers and their partners are torn — they like the financial benefits of the job, while resenting it when it takes too much time away from the couple.

What is the fallout for partners who don't know when to stop working, or can't?

There's guilt, because they may feel like they are borrowing from family time to support the workplace. This can contributes to burnout. It feels like there's not enough of you to go around. You've worked a shift and finished up stuff at home, so there's no energy left. Workers feel they can't win — they're in trouble at work if they don't respond and in trouble at home if they do.

You mentioned partners start to resent the workplace for intruding on the relationship. What affect does that have?

If your partner resents your company, your chances of looking for a job to keep the homefront happy increases. If partners are torn, guilt ridden, tired and angry with each other, it doesn't bode well for retaining workers in the long term.

Organizations can't underestimate the power of protective spouses. For example, I once worked with a top sales agent whose employer demanded she answer email at home and on weekends. It was relentless. Her husband felt she was being taken advantage of, so they decided she'd quit and find something better, and the organization lost a good person.

How can organizations deal with the toll on workers' significant others?

One way they could deal with this is by asking workers' spouses for their anonymous feedback about how much work intrudes on home life. Managers should ensure workers have a choice in how much they use their devices after hours. They should watch out for workers who have stopped caring and are detaching from the workplace. It could be a symptom of work taking up too much couple time. This can quickly translate into costly turnover, and of course, low morale.

This interview has been edited and condensed.

With files from CBC's The Early Edition

To hear the full interview listen to the audio labelled: Workplace psychologist Jennifer Newman explains how to manage technology and work so it doesn't hurt relationships