Letting 'boys be boys' should mean letting go of outdated ideas about masculinity

This story is part of Amy Bell's Parental Guidance column, which airs on CBC Radio One's The Early Edition.

The phrase "toxic masculinity" has been used to describe a wide swath of behaviour, from violence and intimidation against women to an aversion to the colour pink. 

But at its heart, it's an outdated attitude where boys and men somehow have to bottle their emotions or only deal with them physically.

When I look at my son, I see a walking sponge of emotions. He's sensitive, affectionate, gentle and kind. But he's 12, and I worry those traits will somehow be seen as less than ideal as he grows older and is expected to somehow "toughen up" or "act more like a man." 

No excuse for boys behaving badly

In recent years, the misogynistic voices I thought had been largely silenced seem to have become louder. 

From the online attacks that women of all ages and professions experience, to controversial personalities like Andrew Tate posting violent and sexist content, there is no shortage of men behaving badly.

Tara Crape, a mom to two boys aged eight and 11, says she finds herself bristling at the outdated notion of "boys will be boys" that some parents still use to excuse behaviour. 

"When they're being rough ... and you hear that 'well, boys will boys,' it's an awkward question to have with other parents because I don't want to dictate how other parents raise their kids," says Crape.

"So I try to always have a conversation when it comes up with the boys, like, '... I can't parent the other child but this is what I expect from you.'"

Crape hopes this open dialogue with her sons means the next generation will push equality even further.

"Our parents taught us a certain way. We might believe differently and say, 'that's not how I'm going to raise my kids.' Hopefully our kids will then do the same," she says.

"We've done all we can and then it's up to them to hopefully turn out better." 

Locker-room machismo

Sports, especially, seems to be a holdout when it comes to sexist ideas. 

Despite all the benefits of teamwork and exercise, "locker-room talk" and a macho atmosphere still plague the sports world. And as the recent sexual assault scandal that rocked Hockey Canada shows, there is a dangerous atmosphere of sexism and secrets at play. 

Samantha Falk's two sons, aged 11 and 16, are both hockey players and she has a hard time reconciling how out of step the sport can be.

"It's something I struggle with every day. There's a lot of pluses but there is still so much of that antiquated attitude that is, to me, absolutely unacceptable in 2022 — or even a hundred years ago," says Falk. 

Falk knows things will only change if people continue to speak up and speak out, as uncomfortable as that might be — and she hopes more people will push back. 

Boys don't need to be 'tough' 

There are a lot of men and women already pushing back against outdated ideas of what it means to be "a man." 

Canadian nonprofit Next Gen Men, for one, is dedicated to changing how the world sees, acts and thinks about masculinity.

Program manager Jonathon Reed, who works with parents, schools and community partners, says getting their message across to young boys starts with "understanding the culture they're immersed in ... the expectations that surround them from a really young age of what it means to be a man. So, those expectations to be tough, to be aggressive, to be confident."

By forming close, open relationships with boys, where we allow them to experience a full range of emotions and value their concerns and fears, we can make sure our voices are the ones they connect with, no matter how loud more "toxic" voices might be, Reed says.

"That, to me, just has a huge amount of potential for how we change the well-being of boys and young men, and also where they are picking up their values." he says.

"Because if they can be connected and loved and supported, then they are going to get their values from the people who have loved and supported them." 

I've seen up close how remarkably kind, emotionally intelligent and affectionate many young males can be. Sure, there are plenty of fart jokes and perhaps not the highest levels of personal hygiene, but there is an openness and vulnerability with each other and their families that we can't afford to lose.

That's who they are at their core — and it should be embraced instead of criticized. Because it's not just about boys — we fail all genders if we continue to hold them to different standards and don't allow them to fully explore who they are as people.