How to raise an ally: Kids need to learn about racism and what they can do to fight it

This story is part of Amy Bell's Parental Guidance column, which airs on CBC Radio One's The Early Edition.

Race and racism can be a difficult subject to tackle as a parent, no matter what colour your skin or your child's may be. So how can parents ensure that their children are true allies and are actively being anti-racist? 

For children to be fully aware of race issues, that means parents have to be fully aware of the ways in which they form their children's ideas on race.

Tanya Hayles is a Black woman and mother to an eight-year-old Black son. She is also the founder of Black Moms Connection, a global non-profit that works to enhance the Black community and facilitate real change.

She points out that parents are always the first and arguably most influential teacher for our children. That means parents who are not Black need to examine the ways in which they may have unconsciously created an anti-Black reality. Do their kids play with Black dolls? Are there integral Black characters in the books they read and movies they see? Characters who happen to be a different colour than them without race being their defining reason for being present?

Most importantly, though, she says we need to listen and believe Black parents when they speak up about experiencing racism. Hayles also wants the parents of white children to recognize how differently their children are treated.

"When you see a situation happening to Black people, insert your child and say, 'Would this ever happen to my kid?' And if you can say with a certainty 'no' then you know what racism is." says Hayles. 

Kids can't be colour blind

One thing I've read and heard from the parents of Black children is the "talk" they have to give them. How to behave with the cops, how to stay safe and out of trouble, and how some people won't like the colour of their skin.  But white parents need to start talking about race with their children early and often — and explain how to not only see racism, but be actively anti-racist.

Markiel Simpson of B.C. Community Alliance opened up about hearing the "talk" as a young biracial man, and how that talk is integral to all races — especially white families. Because if your children have been genetically afforded greater ease in society, they need to have this explicitly explained to them. 

"You are a white child and historically and in modern-day context this is what that means," suggests Simpson. "The world isn't equal for everybody." 

Different cultures should be acknowledged and celebrated

With all the anti-Black violence and racism really coming to a head in the past year, and the Black Lives Matter movement being amplified and gaining support, race issues have been front and centre. What has all that meant for young Black people?

I spoke with two teenage members of the Surrey media co-op Daily Dose of Blackness. It's a space to share stories about Black struggles and to talk to and about Black youth. They want these discussions to be more open and to take place in school.

Black History Month can generate positive discussions and engagement — but all too often Black students find that teachers and their schoolmates are less than enthusiastic about learning and engaging. This is often coupled with a focus on Black History that is riddled with tragedy and pain that can make Black students feel traumatized and uncomfortable.

Saliema Maki thinks Black culture should be discussed throughout the year, with the focus on aspects that can be shared and celebrated. 

 "I think the easiest thing to talk about is probably music, dance and food, because everyone loves music, dance and food," says Maki. "And that's a big part of Black culture." 

I cringe when I think of how proud I once was of my children for not "seeing race" when they were younger, and for never acknowledging that their friends looked different from them. My daughter's best friend since preschool is Black, and as they grow older and experience all the things teens do, I fear that my daughter still doesn't fully grasp how different some things can be for her friend just because of the colour of her skin. 

Being an ally means seeing race and racism and actively fighting against them. And by using the voice and privilege one has to lift up those who don't have it so easy. 

I was graciously afforded time, guidance and energy by everyone I spoke with, and that is yet another privilege I was afforded and need to acknowledge. It's not the responsibility of members of the Black community to educate me or my children. 

Racism is still woven into every fabric of our society, and it's time my children help carry this burden on their shoulders instead of accepting that certain friends will always have to watch their own backs.

For more stories about the experiences of Black Canadians — from anti-Black racism to success stories within the Black community — check out Being Black in Canada, a CBC project Black Canadians can be proud of. You can read more stories here.