Solo-parenting in a new country — three who did it share their best tips

Moving across the world to set up a new life in Canada often means culture shock, jobs involving hard physical labour and a struggle to learn English.

Then add in single parenting.

For a variety of reasons, nearly a quarter of the families coming here as refugees are also trying to parent their children solo. According to Immigration, Refugees and Citizenship Canada, that's roughly 6,000 families in the past five years. Other single-parent newcomers come as immigrants.

As part of a CBC Calgary project working with local East African communities, we talked with three parents who came through it and shared their advice on surviving those first years.

Put the computers in the living room

Ghenet Tecle's best solo-parenting tip comes from what were also the hardest moments. 

She's an Eritrean immigrant who arrived in Canada in 2011 with her two elementary-school aged children. Her husband was unable to join her until 2016 due to male conscription mandates in Eritrea. So she worked three jobs — as a school bus attendant, a housekeeper and office cleaner — to pay the bills.

She remembers lying on her sofa in the evening, exhausted, while her children did their homework. But she wouldn't leave them, wouldn't head to bed and sacrifice what little family time she had.

"I had no quality time with my kids, except when I dropped them off and picked them up from school. Even when they were studying, I'd just lay down on the sofa and let them study."

That's her tip for other solo parents, she says. 

Set up your children's computer desks in the living room so you can supervise and stay together while also attending to household chores. It means you can be present as a parent even when stretched in so many directions.

As for how she coped through those first challenging years, she said having a best friend going through the same thing was key.

They helped each other through solidarity and understanding.

"My best friend, she had the same problems I had. When we had free time or just weekends, I went to her house and we had sleepovers. We'd chat all night. And she came over for the same thing here at my home. We took turns."

"Be strong. It is not easy," she said. "Keep an eye on single moms because they go through a lot of challenges."

Moving across Canada just for my kids

Libby Karera feels a huge sense of accomplishment with two children in university. 

The key to that success, she says, was two things: her decision to prioritize her kids during the first few years in Canada, even when it made life harder for her, and the confidence she found in herself to be bold. 

Karera was selected to come to Canada out of a refugee camp in Congo. Her husband had been killed and she was parenting her two kids, then 11 and 9, on her own.

A French speaker, she first settled in Montreal, where she got a good job at a bank and found friendship among the many immigrants from her community. But her children had been schooled in English. They struggled to integrate.

So that's when she made a tough choice. She quit her job and started again in Calgary.

"It was hard for me to decide to move, but I love my kids. As a widow, I was struggling, and I said to myself, 'I don't want my kids to struggle as I am struggling.'"

In Western Canada, the family stayed in a shelter first, then Calgary Housing. Slowly, Karera learned English and found settlement agencies to help her with a resume and job hunt, getting a driver's licence. After a time, she also found friends through her children's school friends.

And finally, her kids were thriving.

"I was suffering but I reached my goals because now my kids are big enough. They are working; they are in university. I'm glad because God helped me, and it's because I was very strong and had a focus on my kids."

"I'm happy because they are doing their life right."

When she looks back at her journey, she says she wants to give others hope. 

"Don't be afraid because this country is an opportunity country. If you are confident in yourself, if you are honest, and you know what you want, then for sure you will get it."

"I advise other immigrants, the new immigrants here, not to be afraid. Ask if you don't understand. You say, 'I'm not understanding. Can you repeat it again?'"

"I'm not afraid to talk now. Before, I was scared to talk and I was shy, but now I feel free. I talk wherever I can. I can go to work. I can go to church. I can shop by myself."

I check in with my kids by phone and stay focused

As a single father, Norbert Munyarusisiro has been working two full-time jobs for nearly 10 years to pay the bills for his four children. 

During the day, he works for eight hours as a supervisor in a group home for people with disabilities. Then he stays overnight at a different group home to monitor individuals with high-needs behaviour.

"It means I work more than 18 hours a day (with travel and overtime), which is not easy," he said. "But it's not a choice when you are a single parent. One income to support a family of four kids, it's not easy." 

Munyarusisiro moved from Rwanda in 2011 as a newly divorced father. He was not a refugee but an economic immigrant, who moved to Canada years after the genocide to secure better opportunities for himself and his kids. He grew up speaking French but wanted the challenge of learning English.

His children are now in high school and university.

"When I'm at work, I follow up over the phone (with my kids). I try to monitor the situation. And as two of my kids are grown-up now, they help me a lot. They help my younger kids with homework and to get to some outside activities." 

"That's what gives me hope for the remaining time of this long journey."

He said focusing on his goals and remembering why he came to Canada is key. 

"That's why (I say), just remain focused and know what you are looking for. The energy will come.… When you see the results of what you're doing for your family, when you see them happy and progressing through school, that's the happiest moment for me," he said. "I'm proud of it."

Last fall, CBC Calgary launched a new community project with local East African community members. This included a workshop to help young adults to tell stories of importance to their community and a joint celebration organized with community leaders. 

Read more at cbc.ca/sharingknowledge and check out other reporting sparked by this partnership.