When did Christmas cards get so intense? As the mental load piles up, some families are opting out
Christmas cards were originally meant to save time, but somewhere along the way, that changed
If you've ever ordered matching holiday plaids in September for a fake sleigh ride in October, then you might be familiar with the modern parental tradition of family photo Christmas cards.
Depending on your point of view, they're either a cherished custom that brings you joy, or an unnecessary burden during a time of year when the mental load is already so heavy you feel it in your bones.
Because, as mom influencer Abby Eckel put it in a viral TikTok last year, "it's not just mailing out the Christmas cards."
- How do you feel about sending out Christmas cards? Do you see it as a time-honoured tradition or a yuletide burden? Send an email to ask@cbc.ca.
She notes that it's also about sourcing the photographer, finding a date that aligns with your schedules, choosing the outfits and a location, paying the photographer, selecting the photo from the edits, finding a website to print the cards, designing them, gathering mailing addresses, addressing the envelopes, going to the post office for stamps, and then, finally, yes: mailing them.
"The mental load behind Christmas cards has never seemed worth it to me," Eckel said in the video, which has been viewed more than 573,000 times.
Dayna Roberts, a 42-year-old mom of two in Ottawa, says she endeavours to print family photos to send out in personalized Christmas cards every year, but doesn't always succeed. It doesn't help that the pressure typically "falls on the mom," she said.
This year, given the Canada Post strike, Roberts says she's not sure she'll bother at all, other than maybe hand-delivering some photos and cards to family members.
"If the postal disruption fixes itself, maybe I'll send more, but maybe I won't," she said with a laugh.
"I also like things to be more personalized, which adds more pressure as well."
Seasonal stress and comparison culture
While some polls in the U.S. and U.K. have declared Christmas cards are a dying tradition, others (though they're commissioned by photo card companies), have said people still prefer sending physical cards to connect with loved ones.
An Ipsos poll from 2021 conducted for photo company Shutterfly, found that women were more likely to send out holiday cards than men. Meanwhile, another 2021 poll of just over 2,000 U.S. parents found that one in six of them reported high stress levels during the holidays — and among those, twice as many moms as dads reported high levels of stress.
In August, U.S. surgeon general Dr. Vivek Murthy warned about the impact of modern stresses on the mental health of today's parents, saying they face unique challenges. One of these is what he called a "culture of comparison," propagated by influencers and online trends that create unrealistic expectations for parents to pursue.
Today, there are more than 40,000 TikTok videos tagged "Christmas photoshoot."
On Pinterest, the terms "Christmas photo outfits family," "Christmas family photos" and "tree farm family photo outfits" are all currently trending. At the same time, photographers are plugging "Christmas mini sessions," and online photo printing sites advertise festive templates and 50 per cent off foil and glitter cards — all you have to do is upload your perfect, smiling family photos.
But as any parent can tell you, organizing family photo shoots for the purpose of Christmas cards isn't so simple.
"I have a love-hate relationship with the family photo cards," said Ottawa mom Laura Stanford, noting that one of her two young children had to be convinced he couldn't just wear a hockey helmet and snowman underwear for their photo.
"It feels like every year people keep going more and more extreme with their pictures, becoming more and more elaborate, and there's wild pressure to 'keep up,' " she said. "We're told there isn't, but you still feel it."
Which is ironic, because as Smithsonian Magazine points out, Christmas cards were borne as a means of saving time.
The first Christmas card was commissioned in 1843, according to the magazine, when prominent British educator and arts patron Sir Henry Cole was fretting over his stack of unanswered Christmas letters. So he asked an artist friend to design a card with a generic greeting where all he had to do was fill in the receiver's name. Easy peasy.
Fast forward a few years and several other prominent Victorians were copying his idea and sending out similar cards at Christmas. But it's what the tradition has become since that's turned this time saver into a time suck.
Ask yourself if this is meaningful to you, and why
Parents comparing themselves to what they see other families posting on social media is a huge challenge, said Julie Romanowski, a parenting coach and consultant based in Vancouver.
It's especially difficult at Christmas, she said, when the pressure for parents to create a magical Christmas for their children is already high.
"Parents buy their kids the expensive gifts, they go and do all the stuff, the photos with Santa, the dinners, the breakfasts, the brunches and all this stuff, and they're pissed off, stressed out, and hate everybody by the end of it all," Romanowski said.
She recommends that parents set their intentions for the holiday season — is it peace? Calm? Joy? — and plan their traditions and activities accordingly.
Then, she suggests parents ask themselves what's actually meaningful to them, and what they might be doing largely because they feel pressured.
Maybe you send out Christmas cards because you love it, which is great, Romanowski says. But if that's not your motivation, then ask yourself if this is something you really need to do. It's something she says she's asked herself, too.
"I don't do that stuff because I'm not really sure who it's for," she said. "I'm like 'no, screw it, it's not going to happen.' "
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