I'm tired of people saying I'm brave for letting my hair go grey

This First Person column is written by Tracey Schaeffer, who lives in Port Moody, B.C. For more information about CBC's First Person stories, please see the FAQ.

I never decided to let my hair go grey. It just did. 

In my 20s, I watched my friends experiment with different hair colours. It looked fun. Although I was tempted to try something new, I never took the leap. I always felt that my hair was my best feature, and I didn't feel the need to change it. Gradually, throughout my 30s and 40s, small traces of grey started trickling through the brown, but I thought that it enhanced the way I looked. I always said that I would dye my hair when I felt that I couldn't stand all the greys, but it never got to that point.

Simply put, I like the colour of my hair, even with the grey streaks.

That was why I was surprised one day when a stranger commented on it while we were on the bus.

"You are so brave to let your grey just grow in like that," she said.

She had a genuine smile on her face and I'm sure she didn't mean to offend me. Even so, I was stunned into silence as she exited the bus. Should I have been flattered? And why did she think it was OK to comment on the haircolor of a person she didn't know in public?

In 2022, when acclaimed Canadian television journalist Lisa LaFlamme was fired, the official line from CTV News said the decision was due to changing viewer habits. But the speculation was LaFlamme's silver hair played a role in her dismissal. One executive reportedly asked who approved the decision to let her hair go grey. Reading that, I was incensed! I felt the betrayal I imagine she must have felt. I felt her value was being trivialized because of the very thing that allowed her to achieve her wisdom: time. 

WATCH | Lisa LaFlamme said she was 'blindsided' when Bell Media ended her contract: 

CTV National News anchor Lisa LaFlamme announces she was let go

2 years ago

Duration 2:41

LaFlamme said she was 'blindsided' as Bell Media ended her contract after more than 30 years.

Sometimes, it seems like my body is a public display, and, at any point, someone can comment on it. But it's hard to know how a compliment will land. 

When someone says, "Wow, you look like you've lost a lot of weight," does that mean that I looked huge before? Or when someone says, "I've never seen you with makeup. You look great," does that mean I didn't before? 

A few weeks ago, my daughter asked me when she had to get her first bra. My initial concern was: Why would a 10-year-old think that she has to buy a bra? And then I thought, why is anyone required to wear one?

My response to my daughter was simple. I asked her to think of a bra as an accessory, not a foundation garment. If she wants to wear a bra for fashion or comfort, it's her choice. Makeup should be viewed in the same way. A woman's choice to wear a bra, use makeup or colour her hair is her own.

The incident on the bus makes me think back to my early 30s when my friends tried to coax me to get my eyebrows tweezed, my bikini line waxed or to get my hair done at the expensive salon that charges more for women. They used words like, "you'd be so beautiful if you did this."

But was I so hideous if I didn't?

Eventually, the coaxing worked. Whenever I would appear for my bimonthly cut, the stylist would say that I looked great, but that a little dye would "refresh" my look. Their upsell made me feel like I was wasting their time when I turned them down. I always apologized for saying no. I'd make an excuse by saying that I'd get around to covering my greying hair when it was necessary but I couldn't bring myself to believe that it was. Eventually, I learned to stop saying sorry.

Is hair dyeing a rite of passage for women? Am I a rebel to shun the expectations of a culture intent on denying me my right to age naturally and gracefully? And why do I feel like I have to defend my choice? 

I wish I could have said all this to the lady on the bus. But by the time I realized that I had a right to admit my feelings were hurt, my inadvertent tormentor was gone and I felt powerless because I didn't say anything. I needed a moment to understand the insult of being called brave for not hiding my natural hair as I age.

So, the only thing left for me to do is to be real and not change a thing. I'm not brave. I'm just a human being myself and proud of it.

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