Swap pursuit of happiness for pursuit of well-being instead, writes Jennifer Moss

Some people feel enormous pressure to be happy. 

In fact, many people do. Happiness is a goal we're all supposed to be striving for, right? 

But what if the pursuit of happiness is actually making us… well, unhappy? 

Over the past 10 years, numerous studies have shown that our obsession with happiness may be making us less content with our lives, and less effective at reaching our actual goals. Those studies also show that, conversely, the less we focus on happiness attainment, the happier we are. 

A brief history of the pursuit of happiness

So, how did the pursuit of happiness become such a big focus for so many people? Why do so many of us feel that happiness is something we're always chasing? 

Curiously, happiness hasn't always been an important life goal. In fact, honour, living a life of honour, used to trump being happy. However, over the last couple of centuries, happiness has become something we consume – we can't seem to get enough of it.

And we've come to view this thing we want, happiness, as something like a diagnosis – a state that's the opposite of sadness or depression. That perspective implies being happy means having fewer of the chemical reactions that make you sad and more of the reactions that make you happy. 

But that isn't how depression works – it's not a plus-minus arrangement. 

A better definition

If happiness isn't the opposite of sadness, then what is it? 

A better definition starts with a better understanding of our emotional life. Every one of us, even the most fortunate, will experience some form of pain, loss, suffering, boredom, loneliness and/or sadness over the course of our lifetime. Pain, and its companion emotions, is an inescapable consequence of being human. 

In fact, we've all gone through at least some pain this past year. But that doesn't necessarily mean we're unhappy. 

If that seems contradictory, consider this: Studies have shown that living a life of happiness includes having loving relationships – but we know from experience that love can also be the cause of pain. And, while we lose people we love, we wouldn't have chosen a life without them. 

All the good – that is, "happy" – things in life include some level of suffering. Writing a book (I can most certainly attest to that), running a marathon, completing a PhD, giving birth – they all cause pain, but the result of our efforts is usually happiness. Okay, maybe the feeling of relief comes first, but happiness often follows.  

It's at this point that we realize what's incorrect about the idea that happiness is the opposite of sadness: we can't really have one without the other. 

And that's a big reason why researchers and experts now say that we shouldn't be pursuing happiness but, instead, should be pursuing well-being.

How well-being differs from happiness 

If you look to the UN's 17 sustainable goals, third on that list is "health and well-being" – clearly, that's currently a major priority for the organization. And considered holistically, happiness is just a small component of well-being. Many other aspects – including not only psychological and physical wellness, but also the health of our financial and social justice situations – factor in. 

When it comes to well-being, here are some of the key markers: 

• A balance of positive and negative emotions (happiness and suffering).
• A sense of meaning or purpose in life.
• Feeling accomplished, mastered, or skilled at what we do.
• Being engaged in our work and lives.
• Having strong social relationships with others.
• Being engaged with our community.
• Having a sense of self-worth.
• Having financial security.
• Having a sense of trust – including in the leaders, lawmakers, and people who are protecting our safety. 
• Having access to affordable housing – the UN believes this is a human right that plays into our well-being.

Happiness is still important to us as individuals, but turns out that harmony as a collective is what helps us to truly pursue well-being. 

Boosting happiness by pursuing well-being together

In our pursuit of overall well-being, we need to keep working on our daily self-care. 

I often suggest in my columns that we should be walking outside more, and being out in nature for even 20 minutes helps our well-being, as does reading a book, or volunteering.

However, in this column I'm suggesting you spend a week practicing a positive psychology intervention that you can work on with others. It's an activity that will contribute to both your immediate happiness and, in time, your overall well-being. 

It's called the "three good things": Every evening, we list three good things that happened in our day. Try doing it  with your family or a group of friends, using, if you're distanced, digital or virtual tools. The activity is a good conversation starter. 

With friendships as a major contributor to both our happiness and our overall well-being, focusing on this group gratitude activity for one week will help boost our happiness. Research has found that people who do this every day for one week will report higher levels of well-being six months down the track.

Well-being for life 

What I've found fascinating in recent research on well-being is how much happier we get as we age. Some data shows that we're our happiest at 70 years old. Younger people tend to report higher levels of psychological distress, and lower levels of well-being. I've seen this in my own most current research – from a mental health standpoint, this last year has hit Gen Z and Millennials the hardest. 

So, if we're trying to pursue our well-being, we should be looking to the wiser among us as models. 

Younger adults report higher levels of negative emotions, and lower levels of engagement, relationships, meaning and accomplishment than older adults. People in their middle-older adulthood tend to report lower levels of psychological distress and higher levels of meaning in life.

This suggests that as we mature, we find more meaning in life, and decades of research shows that finding meaning reduces feelings of loneliness and increases life satisfaction exponentially. 

Put another way, one of the most significant attributes of happier people is their sense of life purpose.  

If you examine the Blue Zones – the places in the world with the highest number of people living past 100 years old – their residents all describe a meaning and purpose to their daily life. 

To develop meaning in our own lives, we need to check in with ourselves and, from time to time, ask ourselves the following questions: 

• What are the small ways I contribute to making my family, community, the world a better place? 
• What could I do today that would help to make someone's day easier, happier, better? 
• Does my work give me joy, accomplishment? Does it make me feel engaged? 

That last question is an important one, because we spend 115,000 hours at work in our lifetime – that means we spend 70% of our waking hours at our jobs. If we aren't engaged in our work or if we believe it isn't valuable, then it's detracting from our well-being, and that needs to be addressed. There are ways to create meaning in our work, whether through job crafting and/or understanding how our efforts contribute to the bigger picture. 

Those are good examples of why, rather than making an elaborate list of life changes, we should aim for fewer, more realistic goals and accept that no matter how hard we try, feelings of frustration and unhappiness will appear from time to time. This is perfectly healthy and will end up making us happier in the end. 

A true pursuit of well-being means respecting pain, because it gives meaning to our happiness and, subsequently, our lives.