Are we dating the same guy? Manitoba Facebook group aims to find out

A Manitoba Facebook group that helps women discover whether the men they're dating are seeing other women has helped save some from abusive and deceptive relationships, its founder says — but one lawyer warns posting in it could also lead to legal consequences.

Are We Dating the Same Guy? Manitoba is a private women-only Facebook group where people post photos and other details about their partners or dating prospects to solicit feedback from the collective. 

"Sometimes it will be positive information [like], 'Oh, he's a great guy,' but sometimes it will be a few women saying similar negative stories," said Brittany Isfeld, the creator of the group, which has separate regional versions across Canada and abroad. 

"It gives that woman the option…. Oftentimes, she'll decide not to go through with that."

Isfeld said she started the group after having a similar experience. While she knew there was already a Winnipeg group, the Gimli, Man., woman said she sensed a need for a collective for women across the province. 

Membership has soared to over 12,000 since Isfeld created the group earlier this year. She said she thinks that reflects something about the available dating pool in Winnipeg and the hazards of online dating.

"I've heard this from many women: in Winnipeg they've got a steady relationship with someone and their boyfriend works away or their boyfriend works up north," but later they discover their partner was cheating on them while out of town, she said.

Cheating, assault allegations

In one post viewed by CBC News, someone named and posted a photo of a man on behalf of a friend. She alleged the man had two long-term partners in two different Manitoba cities and lied about it.

She said she posted the information as a warning and to see if anyone else has had a similar experience with him.

In a different post, a woman included a photo of another man who she said she dated for a few months, and who she alleged sexually assaulted her. 

Isfeld said the group has guidelines that state no personal information can be posted, and no bullying, shaming, victim blaming, hate speech, libel or defamation of character is allowed.

"Sometimes there will be a whole bunch of women saying the same similar situation that they've been in with this gentleman, that it's been negative," she said.

"We will sometimes keep that up and just monitor it because we feel like it is information that the general public of the dating world needs to know in the event that they cross paths with this guy."

Another post CBC News viewed showed a person accusing someone in the group of showing one of her previous posts warning the collective about her ex to the man in question. She said her ex then showed up at her house and began harassing her.

Legal pitfalls

Examples like that show the potential for unintended legal or safety consequences of this kind of group, which Toronto-based legal commentator and criminal defence lawyer Ari Goldkind said is "unbelievably prone to abuse."

"These things can escalate. It may make a bad situation worse, despite the creator of this group using all this legal-like language," Goldkind said. 

"They know exactly what is going to happen in that group."

Goldkind said there is no way to ensure members stick to group guidelines, and there are a range of "legal pitfalls" that can arise.

"There is probably, as we speak right now, a tremendous amount of libel and defamation of character [on the page]," he said. 

"When you deal with adult relationships there are — as we adults know — many, many grey areas."

Goldkind said there has been "a ton" of litigation about similar cases throughout North America and judges are starting to take long-term damage of online defamation cases more seriously.

He also said only one version of events is being told on the page, and group administrators have no way of verifying whether someone alleging another person cheated on them while in an exclusive relationship wasn't in fact involved in something the other party thought was more casual.

Isfeld said she has already been contacted by lawyers about posts in the group. She doesn't deny that people may violate the guidelines or abuse the platform, but said the page is primarily a tool meant to help women protect themselves.

"It's making women safer. It's definitely become a safety tool," she said.

"It's important for people to know that it isn't at all a bunch of women getting together to bash men. We all understand that everyone's human, everyone makes mistakes and everyone deserves a second chance. But this is for the safety of women."

Support is available for anyone who has been sexually assaulted. You can access crisis lines and local support services through this Government of Canada website or the Ending Violence Association of Canada database. ​​If you're in immediate danger or fear for your safety or that of others around you, please call 911.