Stuck in the middle: Filipina-Canadian actress explores sense of displacement after coming to Canada

This First Person article is the experience of Hera Nalam, a Filipina-Canadian actress living in Winnipeg. She writes here about her feelings of displacement, which she also explores in I am putot (short), a new short film by Joanne Roberts. For more information about CBC's First Person stories, please see the FAQ.

I get compliments from people all the time on how good my English is for a newcomer and how they would never guess that I moved to Canada at age 16.

After being in Canada for 10 years now, I still feel unsure how to take comments like that. English was part of the school curriculum back in the Philippines, but I remember being considered a snob for speaking it fairly fluently. Isn't that weird?

I grew up watching English-language movies, so I picked up a lot of it by copying pronunciations and even fun accents. My mother also taught English literature in university. English was one of the three languages we spoke at home. 

However, when I first moved to Winnipeg in 2011, I remember feeling intimidated and small because I didn't look or sound like everyone else around me. Conversational English was so hard to understand. Sometimes people thought I was deaf because I would always ask them to repeat themselves so I could understand what was being said.

I also just didn't get many of the pop culture references my peers were making because I didn't grow up with cable back in the Philippines. 

Obviously I was still exposed to some Western content back in the Philippines, but it was limited. I loved The Powerpuff Girls and the movie Titanic. I grew up listening to the Eagles. 

In reality, I spent a lot of time back home watching Filipino TV and singing outdoor karaoke with my neighbours. 

My new life in Winnipeg was so different. 

There were many times when I felt that I had to catch up. I had to quickly adapt and find my own place.

On my first day of high school the counsellor asked me what classes I wanted to take. It was the first time that I had choices as a student. In Winnipeg, choir and art classes were considered full courses, not just clubs. It was an exciting and scary new world. 

I had to make a lot of adjustments as a newcomer. 

I just wanted to have friends at a time when I was also really trying to find my own footing in a new country.- Hera Nalam

It was late October when my family first came to Canada. We landed in B.C. It was 18 C and yet I felt so cold. I was shivering in my wool winter jacket. 

In high school, I wore a lot of hand-me-down turtlenecks from my aunt. Kids made fun of me for wearing "grandma" clothes. Back then, hoodies were in and turtlenecks were out. I did not get that memo. I just really wanted to fit in. So I did what I could to seem like I was part of the whole group. 

Stuck in the middle

I was making Canada-born Filipino friends and Filipino-newcomer friends. 

Those groups didn't get along, and I was stuck in the middle. I just wanted to have friends at a time when I was also really trying to find my own footing in a new country. 

All that catching up to my peers made me feel so displaced. I was also torn.

Some part of me felt a bit guilty because I was spending so much time adapting to the North American lifestyle before I could even get to know my own identity as a Filipino. 

While the high school I went to had a lot of Filipino-Canadian students, I had to quickly adapt and find my own place as someone who immigrated in their teens. Transitioning into university, in a program where I was the only Filipino, made the yearning to connect with my culture grow.

Being Asian in the film industry continues to have representation challenges.- Hera Nalam

The longer I was in Canada the less I spoke my language, even at home. I only ever responded in English whenever I would speak to my parents. My sister called me out on this in the middle of a small argument over who was going to wash the dishes one night.

"Don't sass me with your English," she said in Cebuano (our native language). It made me feel so uneasy — I felt that I was becoming less and less Filipino.

'But when will you be on Netflix?'

It was especially a struggle to own my ethnicity when I decided to pursue a career in the arts industry, where Asians are underrepresented. Today, I dabble in multiple mediums, including songwriting and modelling, but I am mainly an actress.

Being Asian in the film industry continues to have representation challenges. And a career in the arts is not quite your average Filipino parents' dream for their children. 

I grew up in an environment where the top priority was to survive, so I wasn't exactly taught how to dream, let alone dream of being an actress. It's like I was told, "You can be whatever you want to be, as long as it's a job that pays the bills."

Whenever I catch up with family members and tell them that I'm pursuing acting, I am asked, "But when will you be on Netflix?"

They would never consider me legit until they see me on Netflix or the big screen. In the Filipino community, children aren't typically encouraged to pursue a career in the arts because it's "not realistic." That mentality has an effect — potential young Filipino storytellers may feel discouraged from using their voices in creative mediums. It affected mine! 

But I kept trying. I wanted to be an actress, even though there was little opportunity for folks that look like me to land a lead role.

A gift from the universe

In 2019, the universe sent a gift my way. I was very happy to land a lead role in the rom-com movie I Propose We Never See Each Other Again After Tonight, which was filmed in Winnipeg and shown across Canada. 

This was a big deal, especially since the majority of the cast was Filipino, including the lead protagonist. It was so refreshing to see people who shared the same culture as I did on set. It felt like the old times like in Cebu (my hometown), when every weekend there was a party.

On set, I thought to myself, " Why is this not a thing more?" It really made me realize how rare it was for situations like that to occur. There are few opportunities to tell Filipino stories on the big screen for Canadian audiences. 

Don't get me wrong — I feel very grateful to be on Treaty 1 land, where I have grown so much and learned about the world. I have made many friends from all walks of life and gained so much perspective on how much change needs to be done on a global scale.

This place has given me so many good things and quite frankly, it opened up my outlook and helped me realize my potential.

Every opportunity that I took has given me the room to find my passion for uplifting BIPOC youth voices. Being an emerging artist, I am excited to continue to create my own platform, where I can be unapologetic about my own skin and belong to a community of diverse creatives. 

I know being far from my home led to my feeling of displacement when I came to Canada. It was a challenge to find my footing at first, and on some occasions I felt completely lost, but the more I thought about it over time — and as cliché as it sounds — you can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl.

No matter where I am, I bring my culture with me.- Hera Nalam

Learning about various cultures and communities taught me that we have more things in common than we have differences.

It's the similarities that bring us together and the differences that let us learn from each other. I may have adapted to new things but that doesn't mean I am any less Filipino.

No matter where I am, I bring my culture with me. My culture is me — it's in my skin, my voice and my blood.

I am Filipino. I am here.

And yes, my English is really good too.

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