As a new mom with postpartum illness, I asked for help. Instead, they threatened to contact child welfare

This First Person article is the experience of Lexie Howika, a Winnipeg mother of two and mental health advocate. For more information about CBC's First Person stories, please see this FAQ. You can read more First Person articles here.

My journey with mental health began a long time ago. I was just a teenager. And when I asked professionals for help back then, it was instantly given to me. 

But after I had my second son in 2024, that wasn't the case.

Around three months postpartum, I started experiencing panic attacks. They were new for me — and terrifying. From there, I developed obsessions with my kids' health, my own health and our safety. I started having intrusive thoughts that made me upset and scared.

I reached out to many people, including my doctor at the time, who kept trying to tell me I had postpartum depression. But I didn't feel depressed. My public health nurse seemed to ignore my messages, and when I confided in my therapist — hoping to find peace with the uncertainty of my intrusive thoughts — she threatened to contact child welfare officials. 

I felt stuck. I couldn't get the help I needed. I spent many nights researching places I could stay to get psychiatric help where I could also bring my baby. I called different clinics and support groups, but was only offered a "baby and me" group. I was referred to a psychiatrist three different times.

Still, nothing. I felt completely isolated and scared.

I was lucky to have my family, who supported me non-stop and without judgment. A lot of women don't have that kind of support — and that's when child welfare officials often end up getting involved.

By the time I finally got help, I was having multiple panic attacks a day and suffering from what I didn't know at the time was severe obsessive compulsive disorder.

I began my healing journey at the Crisis Stabilization Unit — a provincially run, short-term unit where I stayed for two weeks. For the first time, I wasn't judged by mental health professionals. I was heard. I was seen.

Mothers can experience all kinds of mental illnesses and still be good moms.- Lexie Howika

Eventually, it became clear how severe my case was, and I was transferred to the St. Boniface Hospital psychiatric ward, where I stayed for two months. That's where I started to unravel months of silent suffering — with the help of a psychiatrist I'm so grateful for.

Over those two months, I adjusted to new medication, exposed myself to uncomfortable emotions, and learned how to cope with panic attacks.

The staff at both the CSU and St. Boniface were crucial in my mental health journey. They played a huge role in helping me get back to the person I was before all of this. My psychiatrist told me I wouldn't be leaving the hospital at 100 per cent. I'd still have anxiety and panic attacks — but I'd have to put in the work. And that's exactly what I did.

A desperate need for support

As I began to heal, I reached out to  Manitoba Premier Wab Kinew and different mental health professionals to talk about the lack of postpartum support and the care moms don't receive after having a baby.

I believe Manitoba is in desperate need of a postpartum "baby and me" psychiatric facility — somewhere moms can be admitted and still access mental health services while bonding with their babies. (These kinds of facilities exist in the United Kingdom.)

A few months after reaching out, I heard back from Shared Health's Mental Health & Addictions. They set up a meeting with other specialists, such as gynecologists, psychiatrists and health officials involved in women's health. We even discussed what it would look like for Manitoba to have a "baby and me" psychiatric facility.

That would be my ultimate dream — but it can't stop there.

Postpartum moms need consistent mental health check-ins throughout the first 18 months — not just a six-week checkup, where many doctors don't always conduct a full mental wellness exam. So many postpartum illnesses go unnoticed and undiagnosed, or they're just labelled as postpartum depression. 

I think there needs to be more information given to postpartum and postnatal moms, or any woman planning to have a baby.

If I'd had more information, I could've identified what was happening. I wouldn't have felt so isolated. I wouldn't have felt so crazy. And I wouldn't have felt like a bad mom.

Our mental health system is lacking, and we as a society hold so much stigma toward anything that doesn't follow the "rules" of depression. Mothers can experience all kinds of mental illnesses and still be good moms.

Psychiatric wards often house patients with a mix of mental illnesses, and this creates chaos — not just for the health-care staff, but for those trying to heal. It's not always the right environment for recovery.

My story isn't unique. And that's exactly why it needs to be heard — so that one day, stories like mine will be unique. 

I spent nearly three months away from my kids. I lost bonding time with my now one-year-old. I missed my older son's first day of kindergarten. I'm still getting my bearings. I'm still healing. But I finally feel like myself again.

But I'm home. I'm healthy. I'm with my kids.

If you or someone you know is struggling, here's where to get help:

• Call or text 988. Calls and texts are directed to a network of partners in communities across the country offering suicide prevention services such as counselling.The 988 service is available in English and French to all.
• Talk Suicide Canada: 1-833-456-4566 (phone) | 45645 (text between 4 p.m. and midnight ET).
• Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868 (phone), live chat counselling on the website.
• Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention: Find a 24-hour crisis centre.

This guide from the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health outlines how to talk about suicide with someone you're worried about.