Beyond consent: the sex talk with kids should include pleasure
Our teens deserve the best, even in the bedroom
So your sex talk includes menstrual cramps and contraception and now you're ready to move on to consent — but what happens after your teenaged daughter says yes?
There's a new wave of thinking when it comes to the teen sex talk, and it includes a lot more focus on a young woman's right to pleasure.
The subject may feel taboo for a lot of parents, but according to at least one mom, that can be avoided if you start talking about it from an early age.
"For us, it's always an open conversation about sexuality and sex ... and trying to develop a strong sense of self," said Eve, whose real name is being left out of this article in order to protect the identity of her daughter.
After all, not every teenaged girl wants her friends to know that her mom plans on buying her a vibrator for her thirteenth birthday.
"I've talked to her about ways in which she can receive pleasure and give pleasure without having intercourse, and I think that's a conversation a lot of parents shy away from. I think people think talking about sex in this way with their kids is the same way that our parents thought putting us on the pill meant we were going to go out and have sex the next day," said Eve.
Let's talk about oral sex
In a study published by The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, researchers at the University of Guelph found that while more women than men reported giving oral sex, 52 per cent of men report that it was very pleasurable while only 28 per cent of women reported it as very pleasurable.
The findings highlighted the need to include "pleasure-enhancing information" in sexual health education programs.
For Eve, conversations with her daughter about oral sex are meant to encourage reciprocity and respect, but also to provide a healthy alternative to intercourse.
"There are lots of ways to find pleasure and self-pleasure in your teen years, there's really no need to put yourself at risk for sexually transmitted diseases or unwanted pregnancy, or that level of intimacy."
While words such as vagina and clitoris are in there, the kinds of conversations that Eve is having with her daughter are about more than sex.
"I'm hoping that her self-esteem brings her to a point in her life that no matter where she is, whether it's academically, or professionally or sexually or emotionally, that she's asking for what she deserves. And we've always told our kids that they deserve the best."
Talk to your teen boys, too
Talking to teen girls about their own pleasure is only half the battle. The story of Brock Turner, the 20-year-old man who was arrested in 2015 for a sexual assault on campus, is still fresh in Eve's mind. She shakes her head at the pleas of Turner's father who asked that his son not be punished for "20 minutes of action."
"Regardless of all of the tools and language I can give my daughter, if the other parents of boys are not doing their part to teach boys to be sure there's respect and reciprocity emotionally and sexually, then my job will be moot."
Eve hopes that all of these conversations will prepare her daughter for the moment she chooses to have her first sexual encounter. Eve also realizes that the moment may come sooner than she'd like.
"I've had a hundred things happen since her birth that I was certain she wasn't ready for ... but I knew I had to let her go. I had to let go of her bike seat and I had to do all of these things where I was certain she was going to crash and burn. But she didn't."
"These are the things we have to trust, that if we've given them the tools and the language and the emotional stability to do it, we just have to hope for the best."