'I'm 25 and I don't think I'm ready to have kids': A gen-Zer considers the pitfalls of parenthood

In the series "Should I have kids?" CBC Manitoba's Creator Network asked gen-Zers and millennials to contemplate their reasons for choosing to have, or not have, children. In personal essays and videos, they reveal those reasons, from unresolved grief to finances, identity and the climate crisis.

In this first-person essay and the short film We're Waiting, Samantha Don, 25, asks whether she's ready for kids.

 Click here to read Part 1 of the series and here to read Part 2.

Next week: "I miss motherhood but I also fear it": A writer grapples with a second chance after the death of her daughters.

I wear the same pyjamas every day, I accidentally skip meals on the regular, and I've successfully poisoned myself by trying new recipes too many times to count. 

I'm 25 and I don't think I'm ready to have kids. I know I can't be alone. 

It's hard to imagine that I could ever take care of a baby on my own, when I still feel like one myself. 

A tiny little person that I am fully responsible for to feed, to care for and to keep alive? It all sounds so intimidating and scary. I wonder: Did my parents feel ready when they had me? 

I have so many questions. What if I'm not mature enough? What if I mess it up? And what happens if I just can't do it?

For anything else in my life, I know that other people have my back and they can catch me when I fall. But for this, I feel completely on my own and everything is up to me. 

Do I even have the capacity to take care of anyone besides myself and my two cats? They are already a handful. It's hard to imagine taking care of a miniature human.

I've killed every single plant I've ever had in my possession. That doesn't give me much confidence for the future.

'When are we going to see some grandkids?'

My partner and I have been together for almost eight years now, and I've been feeling the pressure for quite some time now. Whenever we meet up for a visit with our parents, or any other relatives really, the same question and conversation always seems to pop up.

"So when are we going to see some grandkids?"

This happens every time, without fail. 

I know that they mean well, and I know that they are all very excited to become grandparents, uncles, aunts and great-grandparents. They want to introduce a little one to the family and spoil the crap out of them. 

I just never know how to answer those questions. 

My go-to reactions include: making jokes about how my children would be handfuls; laughing awkwardly; pretending not to hear; and letting an uneasy silence hang in the air without being the first one to crack.

My fail-safe reaction? Avoiding any potential baby-talk situations in the first place. 

Despite my artful dodging, my mom is laying it on thick. She has even started to call my two cats her grandsons, and she spoils them just as much. 

Whenever I scroll through Facebook or Instagram, I see people from high school, and even some of my close friends, pregnant and starting their own families. It feels so strange.

I think I'm afraid to have a kid because that means I can't be a kid myself anymore.- Samantha Don

Compared to them, I feel so unready and unprepared for that kind of future, while they are running head-first into it. It seems like they've crossed that adulthood finish line and I'm still playing in the sandbox on the playground.

It makes me feel like I need to grow up and follow in their footsteps, and focus on what I "should be doing" at this point in my life. Yet another thing to pile on the pressure. 

I think I'm afraid to have a kid because that means I can't be a kid myself anymore. I'll need to be a role model. I'll have to get my act together. No more messy bedroom and no more picking up last-minute fast food on the way home. 

No more late nights and sleeping in until noon. No more last-second changes of plans and impromptu sleepovers with friends. To me, parenthood means giving up independence and spontaneity, and adding more routine and structure. This is my absolute worst nightmare. 

I'm scared to give everything up and to grow up. 

'I'm not sure what my future holds'

I know I am probably overreacting, but these are the thoughts that race through my brain. 

I could be completely wrong. I could share my favourite things with a child and make new memories. I could be an absolute goofball and be able to play, dance and sing with someone who won't judge me for my weirdness. I could share my childhood memories and my values.

Parenthood could give me a chance to still feel like a kid. I might be missing out on something great, right?

I tend to focus on the things I won't be able to do any more, while it opens up a door for new things to come. 

I'm not sure what my future holds. Maybe I'll have kids one day, and maybe not. 

I just know that I'm not ready yet, and it won't happen any time soon. 

I know I have some growing up to do. 

In the meantime, I'm going to soak up my independence, live for myself and spend a lot of time in my pyjamas.

CBC Creator Network is a national storytelling initiative that amplifies the voices, unique perspectives and stories of diverse creators across Canada. We work with emerging storytellers to help produce original content including short films, social videos, photo series, personal essays, audio essays, illustrations and animation.

Check out Creator Network Manitoba projects here.