Halifax psychologist cautions against letting kids avoid all anxiety

A local psychologist who coaches parents on how to deal with anxious children is cautioning against letting kids endlessly avoid the things that make them anxious.

Dr. Daniel Chorney, who gave a talk at Sir John A. Macdonald High School on Tuesday night, says how parents deal with anxiety can make the problem better, or worse. He says anxiety is normal and healthy — in moderation.

Always letting kids avoid the things that make them anxious can cause their fears to grow, he said.

"There's a lot more emphasis today on what the child wants," Chorney told CBC's Mainstreet.

"I think sometimes that can cause a problem because if you're a child who has excessive anxiety, what your brain tells you to do is: avoid, stay away."

He says staying home from school because of anxiety, for instance, can start a "cycle of anxiety" once the child gets a taste of not going to school and the "short-term relief that that provides."

Chorney says when you look back at 25 years of statistics, it's clear this disorder is no more prevalent now than it was in 1990. But some schools are finding it more challenging to deal with.

Chris Smith, the vice-principal at Tallahassee Community School in Eastern Passage, said only a small number of his elementary students are anxious, but they take up a lot of time and energy.

"You really have to see it to understand the intensity of some of these kids coming in. I mean, we have kids that refuse to get out of their car, screaming and yelling and tears, and kicking and punching their parents, saying they're not going to come to school," he said.

'Some kids refuse to let go'

Smith said school staff sometimes run interference while parents make a getaway.

"Some kids refuse to let go of their parents," he said.

"A lot of times their parents are basically throwing them to us and then running away almost, as we hang onto the kids as they're screaming and yelling."

Smith said the school initiates a lot of communication with these families and when kids simply refuse to attend, school staff visit them at home to try to build trust.

During school, there's instruction on deep breathing and mindfulness to try to reduce symptoms.

Mainstreet's Stephanie Domet interviewed two moms who suffered from anxiety as children. One remembers refusing to get out of her parents' car when she was in Grade 6 and was being dropped off at school. Another mom, Shona, remembers chasing her mother's car as she left on a short trip. 

"The strength that it must have taken for that women to keep driving," she said of her mother.

"But you know what? I didn't die. I was fine. I was safe. It was like learning to sleep without the light on and you wake up in the morning and you're proud of yourself because you faced a fear."

The mothers said deep breathing has helped their own anxious kids, as well as exercise, limiting screen time and access to social media. Keeping a "worry journal" after school, in which the anxious child records the things that make them anxious, has also helped them let go of those thoughts before bedtime.

Chorney said conquering a fear should start with small steps. And he says even kids who don't show signs of being anxious need to learn that worry is part of life.

"We don't want to overprotect kids and shield them from small daily worries or stressors," he said.