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Nova Scotia·LIFE PATHS

At 55, Freddy came out as gay. This is his journey

This is the second story in artist Jon Claytor's series, Life Paths.

This is the second story in artist Jon Claytor's series, Life Paths

Jon Claytor · For CBC ·
A graphic image with a Black boy. The text reads "Freddy told me his mother was extremely protective and instilled a deep unresolved fear in him. ' I think she knew I was gay and she wanted to protect me.' But the fear left him feeling less than. He simply didn't feel safe to be himself."
(Jon Claytor for CBC)

Artist Jon Claytor's CBC Creator Network illustrated series Life Paths is inspired by the different choices we make and routes we take in our personal journeys. 

A graphic image of a older Black man. The text reads "Gordon Frederic Lucas-Wilson is content, settled and grounded." Text bubble: "You can call me Freddy." "I just had to ask how he got there. It's an unusual read."
(Jon Claytor for CBC)
A graphic image featuring an older Black man. The text reads "So to explain things, Freddy gave me a walking tour of his childhood neighbourhood in Dartmouth." Text bubble: "On the corner of Crichton Avenue and Mic Mac Boulevard was a church. now this is going way back. That church was where the pavement ended. From that point on it was an all Black community. Because of the church it was originally called Coloured Meeting Road. The church was long gong when I was born. This is where I grew up. I was all trees a brook, small houses, no running water and so many relatives. This was the 60s and it was then called Crichton Avenue or just 'The Avenue.' And that's little me in front of my Uncle Jack's house." "Freddy explained that the community formed around 1865 and lasted into the 1970s.
(Jon Claytor for CBC)
A graphic featuring an older Black. The text reads "We stood in front of the newly built house that replaced the Wilson family home. Text bubble: "My parents bought the land for 300 dollars in the 1940s. My dad loved the idea of a suburban home and built us this cinder block house. We had a sign with Daffy Duck on it, 'Welcome to the Wilson's.' My cousin remembers I was never allowed to play with the other kids. She said I was always at the edges watching. Everyone has a clothesline and everyone had an outhouse. Ours was hot pink!"
(Jon Claytor for CBC)
A graphic image with photos depicted. The text reads "Every picture Freddy showed me painted an image of a vibrant, beautiful community as he reminisced about strawberry socials, parties full of relatives, the pong and all the stories. So many stories and as will all small communities, there were many secrets. Freddy would come to have secrets of his own.
(Jon Claytor for CBC)
A graphic image of a forest with a deer in the distance. The text reads "Almost no [part] of that time remains. Now it's as if the entire history of the neighborhood's past is a secret. There is no marker or plaque but one gravel road remains and when a deer darted into view I could almost seen, hear and smell the world Freddy was describing.
(Jon Claytor for CBC)
A graphic image with a Black boy. The text reads "Freddy told me his mother was extremely protective and instilled a deep unresolved fear in him. ' I think she knew I was gay and she wanted to protect me.' But the fear left him feeling less than. He simply didn't feel safe to be himself."
(Jon Claytor for CBC)
A graphic image of a Black boy. The text reads "Freddy was encouraged to play with white kids. His mother would say. 'Your race is Black but but your culture is white.' He said, 'That affected me ... We always has to act like white people, whatever that meant. So we kind of lost ourselves. We weren't allowed to be loud. She thought white was better. So I wanted to hang around the two Bobbies (two white friends) but one of the Bobbies was jealous of the other and said, 'why don't you go home, you don't belong here!' And I knew what he meant because my mother always said, 'If you don't act accordingly they will remind you that you are Black'."
(Jon Claytor for CBC)
A graphic of a Black boy taking money out of a purse. The text reads "Holding the secret of his sexuality and his inner conflict about his race led young Freddy to look for ways to get 'out of himself.' He started breaking into houses to steal packet change, sometimes more. He says 'It gave me a hit.' And was the start of addictive destructive behaviour.
(Jon Claytor for CBC)
A graphic image of a dark figure looking up a set of stairs. The text reads "His last break in scared him enough to stop. The old couple came home while he was in the basement! He held his breath and crept out. They never knew he was there."
(Jon Claytor for CBC)
A graphic image of an older Black man in front of a building. The text reads "New Freddy took me to Dartmouth High School. Is there anywhere more filled with the ghosts of our past selves than our old high schools?"
(Jon Claytor for CBC)
A graphic image of Elvis's side profile. The text reads "No longer a scared child, Freddy had learned to play the role of a star. He straightened his hair like Elvis and was the lead singer of a band that played all the 70s hits, Black Magic Woman was a favourite. The other students put him on a pedestal but Freddy couldn't enjoy it. He couldn't be himself."
(Jon Claytor for CBC)
A graphic image of a group of people sitting on chairs. The text reads "One high school memory still haunts Freddy. He was late for math class and overheard, 'You know Freddy is a fruit?' I was so embarrassed and then felt humiliation. A part of me died that day."
(Jon Claytor for CBC)
White words on a black background. The text reads "'My friends didn't say anything and we never spoke of it'."
(Jon Claytor for CBC)
A graphic with text bubbles coming from the face of an older Black man. The text reads "I still didn't know who I was. Dealing with my homosexuality and being part of a mainstream church. I sang at church. I was in the cool band. But there was always conflict in this kid's life."
(Jon Claytor for CBC)
A graphic image of an older man with text bubbles. The text reads "'I just didn't have language for the pain I felt. [LYRICS] One more mountain to climb, one more river to cross, I came such a long way, and ,still, I got a long way to go.' Standing in front of his former high school he sang songs he performed many times back in his 'golden' days."
(Jon Claytor for CBC)
A graphic of a Black man wearing a cap, a black jacket and grey pants. The text reads "And for 40 plus years that is how it was. He cared for his parents, pursued a career as a caretaker. All the while he kept his true feelings under lock and key."
(Jon Claytor for CBC)
An graphic of an older Black man looking into a mirror. The text reads "'I couldn't look at myself in the mirror any longer. I didn't like what I thought I saw. I hated myself. I needed help, I had been dealing with everything by finding escapes. Anything to lose myself, including drinking, working too much or taking care of others'."
(Jon Claytor for CBC)
A graphic image of a Black by. The text reads "'At 55 years old, by sharing me secrets, by asking friends for help, I found recovery. I discovered what love looked like and grace, mercy and kindness. At 55, I came out. I was no longer that scared little boy'."
(Jon Claytor for CBC)
A graphic image of an older Black man wearing a cap and a blue shirt. The text reads "Content, settled and grounded at last! There are many ways to measure the progress of a life lived. But is there a better destination in our journey than knowing who you are and embracing it?" Text bubbles "I'm settled in my sexuality. I can say I'm gay. I'm at peace. I have found real love. I'm at peace. I'm rooted in my beliefs. And I love myself."
(Jon Claytor for CBC)

For more stories about the experiences of Black Canadians — from anti-Black racism to success stories within the Black community — check out Being Black in Canada, a CBC project Black Canadians can be proud of. You can read more stories here.

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