Margot Van Sluytman talks at Halifax's restorative justice conference

The man Margot Van Sluytman calls her "down-to-earth" friend carries another name: murderer.

On March 27, 1978, Glen Flett burst through a Hudson's Bay store in Ontario to rob a Brink's truck. He shot store manager Theodore Van Sluytman as he fled, killing the man who was Margot's father.  

Van Sluytman says the journey from a child learning her father would never come home, to a grown woman who embraces a reformed Flett, is the story of restorative justice.

Revenge 'is not healing'

"It's extremely important because the current system we have tends to articulate that retribution, punishment and revenge are the way that victims are satisfied when a crime occurs. I tend to disagree very strongly," she told CBC's Information Morning on Tuesday.

"It is not healing for us and the individuals that have done the crime. It is not healing for them. And we all need to heal. We need to face our shared humanity together."

Van Sluytman is in Halifax for the International Restorative Conference being held in Halifax this week. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has embraced the approach, telling Justice Minister Jody Wilson-Raybould to increase its use.

Van Sluytman's travelled the world to share her message. Earlier this year she met Archbishop Desmond Tutu. "Arch, he emailed me — he calls himself 'Arch' when he emails you — Arch said, 'I have to tell you something: I did my walk my way; do your walk your way.'"

A decade ago, Van Sluytman had found work helping people through the darkest of grief, no doubt drawing on her own experience. She also wrote poetry. 

Flett had by then left prison and was married. His new wife tried to donate anonymously to Van Sluytman's writing, but Van Sluytman saw the email address and connected the dots.

She decided to meet Flett and give him a chance to apologize.

"I met him and knew he was sincere, authentic; it was our choice to meet," she says. "I cried like there was no tomorrow. He cried like there was no tomorrow. And he said to me, 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry.'"

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From there, they began a restorative approach to healing the 30-year-old wound.

Van Sluytman says it's not just about the victim meeting the criminal. "It's also a mind frame — how do we relate to each other from a position of respect?"

She spoke to Flett Monday evening and says she knows that to some people, it seems like a scary or disgusting idea. He keeps a website detailing his own work on restorative justice. 

Sawbonna — 'I see you'

"It doesn't mean you don't have anger and frustration. It doesn't mean you're a saint. It's not like that. It's about shared humanity," she says.

"This is Canada. Canada is restorative. I love this country and I don't think we should be focused on revenge."

Van Sluytman spoke to Nova Scotia Justice Minister Diana Whalen Monday to put it to her that not all victims of crime want revenge. She says it doesn't answer a lot of deep questions. She calls her approach Sawbonna, a Zulu word she translates as, "I see you." It's also the name for her website. 

"I have no idea why it was Glen that pulled the trigger on my father and killed Theodore. I have no idea why I'm sitting here with you right now, that I am not the person who pulled the trigger," she says.

"We don't know why we have the particular script we have and restorative justice situates us within a context of shared humanity."

And for her, that means making peace with a tragic past to build a better future.