Scarred by Afghanistan, Ottawa-area veteran finds healing, purpose in art
John Gorrell's story speaks to how difficult the transition out of military service can be
Anxiety is a relatively new feeling for retired warrant officer John Gorrell.
It's not something he experienced before he joined the Canadian Armed Forces, nor during much of his 31 years of service.
But over the last couple of years, it's something he's had to battle every day — though it's been made easier with the launch of his graphic design business and a vibrant new project in one eastern Ontario town.
Gorrell can't pinpoint the moment he began struggling with his mental health, but says it can probably be traced back to his tours in Afghanistan in 2007 and 2010.
He'd served in Croatia, Cyprus and Kosovo before that, but something was different about those tours.
"There was always a threat hovering over us," he said.
"We'd come back from patrol and we were just exhausted because of the stress and the anxiety. Exhausted. That's the only way I can describe it."
The debilitating anxiety followed him home. He was diagnosed with PTSD and sought counseling.
Then, a close friend and fellow soldier died by suicide in 2017. That was the "straw that broke the camel's back," Gorrell said, ending with him being medically released from the military.
"[My friend] never talked about his mental struggles," he said. "His family knew something was wrong, but there was a stigma. You're a soldier, it's weak to have a mental illness."
Gorrell says return to civilian life has been difficult because he was comfortable living a military life, and isn't used to dealing with "the way things present themselves in daily life."
Turning to art
Since retiring, he's retrained as a graphic designer and launched his own business, Crippled Chicken Creations.
He says he's getting some work, although it's "not the greatest."
Recently he's taken on one of his most ambitious projects yet: the painting of a large mural at the local bowling alley in Deep River, Ont.
It's given him a routine, pride and purpose.
"It's like going back to work again," he said. "I'm a bit nervous about what I'm going to do afterwards because it'll be a lot of free time on my plate."
A common story in the veteran community
Fardous Hosseiny, president and CEO of the Atlas Institute for Veterans and Families, says Gorrell's story speaks to how difficult it can be to find meaning in post-service life.
"It's not just a career change. It's a full identity shift. Veterans are stepping away from a role that gave them structure, purpose and belonging," he said.
The transition can be even more difficult for those who struggle with PTSD and the accompanying symptoms.
Hosseiny says recent data shows there has been a sharp decline in veterans reporting good mental health, from 65 per cent in 2010 to just 40 per cent in 2019.
There was also a spike in Canadian veterans looking for support and resources after the Taliban took over Afghanistan in 2010.
"We did see that a lot of folks felt a sense of guilt because of the time they spent away from their family to help support the mission there and then what occurred," said Hosseiny.
He says Atlas is pushing for moral injury to be recognized as a formal diagnosis, so there can be more research into treatment options that address the emotional and spiritual dimensions of trauma.
As for Gorrell, he says his art has helped keep his trauma at bay. He says he'll keep focusing on it, and his children, and advises other veterans to do the same.
"When I do art, the whole day goes by and I forget the issues I may have, there's no stress, no anxiety," he said. "You've got to find something you love."
