They broke up for their faith. Asking questions brought them back together

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Career. Relationship. Josh Murphy and Caroline Rex, who both grew up in strict religious communities, say they almost lost it all because of their faith. 

Rex was raised evangelical baptist in Lubbock, Texas, before moving to Pembroke, Ont., in Grade 8. She met Murphy, an aspiring filmmaker, in high school.

He grew up mostly evangelical, and the two attended a youth group together at a church in the Ottawa Valley. 

As a teenager, Rex's goal was to become a missionary overseas, and she imagined a future married to a pastor with the same dream. At the time, Murphy was struggling to reconcile his religion with his love of movies.

"For so long, I believed I wasn't good enough for Christianity, and that my desire to do film was incompatible with my faith," he recalled. 

Murphy went so far as to quit film to be with Rex — but it wasn't enough.

"I broke up with Josh, because I was taught we were 'unequally yoked,' which means we were on different spiritual levels," said Rex, who ended things in 2016.

"Thankfully, our story doesn't end there," Murphy added.

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The couple document how questioning what they'd been taught helped them find a path back to each other, and to their faith, in a video produced in collaboration with CBC Ottawa's Creator Network — a topic that became even more urgent as they prepare to welcome their first child.

"It was very scary to find out that you were pregnant, especially with having these questions linger," Murphy said,  explaining why they set out to tackle some of that uncertainty in their video titled Those who wrestle with God.

Fewer faithful

Statistics Canada's latest numbers reveal more and more Canadians, particularly younger generations, are re-evaluating the role faith plays in their lives.  

The 2021 census showed the proportion of non-religious Canadians has more than doubled in the past 20 years to 34.6 per cent, up from 16.5 per cent in 2001, while the share of the population who identifies as Christian has shrunk. While 19 per cent of Canadians 65 and older said they had no religion, that number rose to 36.5 per among those ages 15-64.

• More Canadians than ever have no religious affiliation, census shows
• After Atheism: New Perspectives on God and Religion, Part 2

Rex and Murphy use the word "deconstruction," a common term in Christian communities, to describe their journey of rethinking their faith.

For Murphy, it was a lonely experience, as losing one's belief systems can also mean losing one's community.

"It feels very isolating having these conversations in a small community like the Ottawa Valley, because there's a lot at stake," said Murphy.

"It's such a small town and people talk," added Rex. 

Asking questions

That's why they were relieved to meet Josiah Mahon, host of Slow Train to Heck, a podcast about people who've changed their religious beliefs, based in London, Ont.

Mahon, who grew up the son of a pastor, said he knew what it was like to feel unable to ask questions.

"The church is positioned at the centre of your whole life," he said. "I was so steeped in certainty as a requirement for how you do faith. The more certain you are, the less in danger of going to hell you are."

Mahon left his faith in his 20s, and decided to create his podcast so others could hear about these experiences.

"These kinds of stories are not heard often, or you're told to keep them quiet," he said.

• If you've left the church, this made-in-London, Ont., podcast may be for you
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For Murphy and Rex, meeting Mahon felt like finding a different type of church community.

"Discovering this podcast ... was a really inspiring experience for us because we got to see that we weren't alone," said Murphy.

Returning

The couple also met Matthew Burkholder, who also grew up the son of an evangelical pastor. After questioning his beliefs and faith, he has decided to remain in his church community.

Burkholder said it was the "purity culture" of the 1990s, with its focus on sexual abstinence before marriage, that led to his biggest struggles with his faith.

"I really experienced a lot of pain because of that. I felt very conflicted with who I was as a person and the failure I felt after losing my virginity," he recalled.

But after Burkholder began speaking openly about how this had hurt him, he received an unexpected call. 

"My dad called me up and he just said, 'I owe you an apology, and I am really sorry.' That's all I needed," said Burkholder, who's currently a PhD candidate in theology and attends church regularly.

Embracing the mystery

For Rex and Murphy, it was a conversation with their former pastor that helped them find their footing in the faith again.

Dwane Parsons, now a pastor in Port Hope, Ont., said he went through his own type of deconstruction, and shared this advice to those struggling with their faith.

"Often we move from wrestling with God to walking with God. God is bigger than our deconstruction, so that doesn't have to be the end of your journey with God," said Parsons.

Murphy adds that filmmaking helped, too, with its acceptance of the unknown.

"Some of my favourite movies are the ones that have a mystery and that encourage questions," he said, adding the couple plans to pass down the idea of faith as a mystery to their child, which is due this month.

"I'm excited for a family. I think I'm coming to have peace in the mystery and just knowing that whatever happens we're going to love him," Murphy said. 

"He could become the most rigid Christian and think we're going to hell," he added, laughing. 

"I'd still love him," said Rex.

"I would love him, too," said Murphy.

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