COMEDY | Never go barefoot to a porta-potty: Tips to survive festival season

Is there anything that says summer more than going to a music festival? 

Imagine yourself prancing barefoot across the cool grass while the soft gossamer sounds of local-yet-talented musicians roll over you. The shade from your enormous-yet-stylish sunhat embraces you and three other people nearby. Your thin, flowing top is a perfect choice. You don't even have sweat glands. 

I'm here to bring you back to reality. You can experience something like this harmonious vision, but you must be properly prepared.

SPF yourself before you wreck yourself

You must keep your health above all. 

Yes, the sun is a life-giving deity that has sustained life for billions of years. This weekend, that hydrogen goddess will try to liquify your car and dismantle your nervous system. 

Sunscreen selection is important. It must not be purchased from beside the Juul display at the gas station. You may be tempted by: a fun and easy spray, the word Sport! in the marketing or a buffet of flavours and odours like cucumber or toasted coconut. The only coconut that will be toasted will be your own. 

Choose wisely and apply often.

Consider a rye-and-G2

Proper hydration is equally important. 

I assure you that the small town closest to your campsite offers water only in cubic tonnes and has had a boil water advisory since Kim Campbell went by Avril Phaedra. Please bring your own and indulge often. 

If you are partaking in alcohol, choose Gatorade as a mix. Rim your cocktail glasses with hydration salts. These simple tricks will dissuade your kidneys and liver from pursuing other forms of employment.

Comfort is overrated

Let's talk lodgings.

From my experience, the spot most likely to be available is the middle of a barren field. 

The gopher holes dotting the landscape will become less dangerous near the end of the weekend, when each one will be clogged with someone's lost cell phone or errant flip-flop. 

There will probably be one Charlie Brown's Christmas-like tree to offer shade, but other campers will be circling like a road warrior with a hot tip on free oil. 

There will inevitably be a trailer next to you that causes some feelings of inadequacy. It has a generator. It boasts a fold-out patio and maybe a second story that compels you to look back at your tent with some dismay. 

Yes, your weekend domicile smells of cinnamon schnapps and a deep unexplained animal musk. True, its so small that you have to unzip the flap to take out your contacts and are using a Rockaberry cooler as a pillow. 

Ever heard of character building? 

While those campers may appear to be living the high life, you are firming up your personal constitution. That's worth its weight in luxury restrooms. 

Doo-doos and don'ts

Speaking of the facilities, you truly haven't experience enlightenment until you have used a third-day porta-potty at a music festival. Talk about surrender. 

You ask the porta-potty for a dry roll of toilet paper, it laughs heartily and belches blue in your face. 

As a bare minimum, I beg you: don't be that barefoot person that brazenly waltzes into a stall with nary a glance downward. I will assume the worst and return with an old priest and a young priest. 

It can all be worth it

With this rock-solid arsenal of advice, I know that I have prepared you for anything this festival will throw at you. 

You may return home with a bold, geometric tan line. Everything you own may be damp for four days.

But it just might be the best weekend of your summer.

This column is part of CBC's Opinion section. For more information about this section, please read this editor's blog and our FAQ.

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