I am a good mom — not a perfect mom. That's OK
Mothers are afraid to share their struggles publicly for fear of being harshly judged
This piece was originally published on May 12, 2023.
This First Person column is written by Farideh Olsen, a musician, mom and comedian based in Saskatoon. For more information about CBC's First Person stories, please see the FAQ.
I was recently accused on social media of being a lazy, neglectful and selfish mother.
It all started when I posted a video of a song I wrote called Good Mom.
It was inspired by the countless nights I spend laying awake, obsessing about the infinite ways I am ruining my child.
Like all moms, I want to do the job of raising her perfectly. I want her to eat organic broccoli that I've pulled with my bare hands from the garden. I wish her to never know the glow of a screen or hear the pum pum of the Netflix opening title. I want her teeth to sparkle, and her hair to be combed and braided to look like all the brightly polished children of Instagram.
But I am not that parent and she is not that kid. I don't grow a garden. We both love our screen time. I don't always remember to brush my own teeth, let alone hers. She likes her hair to look like she just stepped out of the wilderness — wild and unbridled, just like her.
At least once a week my mother has to talk me off the ledge of parenting panic.
"Am I irreparably damaging her?" I ask.
My mother wisely and calmly says, "Even the best of mothers have things they wish they were better at."
Then she goes on to recount how she too laid awake every night when I was young because I hated reading and wouldn't brush my hair.
As I listen to her voice, I am soothed and the panic recedes.
With my fear and my mom's wisdom in my heart, I wrote Good Mom. The song is a reminder to myself and others that we can do this important job imperfectly and still do it right. The lyrics begin with:
My kid only eats macaroni
Her face is always looking at a screen
I rarely read her books before bed
And I often forget to brush her teeth
I am a good mom
Not a perfect one
I'm always making mistakes
I am a good mom
with many limitations
I can't be everything
And that's OK
The response when I posted the Good Mom video was overwhelming, with more than a million views and thousands of comments on TikTok and Instagram. Most of the responses were statements like, "I thought I was the only one," or "Why does this feel so revolutionary to hear!?" and "Needed this so much!"
Then there were the comments like "Wow, what a lazy mom," or "You're neglecting that baby" and "u don't prioritize ur children, why even have them?" These comments go on to say how selfish I am, how instead of writing a song I should have been taking care of my child and that I am normalizing neglecting children.
I clearly hit a nerve.
Reading these comments, I understood why mothers don't share their struggles with parenting publicly. In a society where the bulk of child-care tasks falls upon a mother, so too does the judgment of whether she is executing those tasks perfectly.
Unsurprisingly, none of my harsh critics asked where the other parent was. For the record, he's right beside me saying, "She'll be fine, I never brushed my teeth growing up."
It was fascinating to watch the act of mothering be reduced to care tasks. As if the quality of my love, support, attention and care could be measured in bowls of macaroni.
I received personal messages from moms who had been carrying secret shame because they can't be bothered to fight their kids to bathe every night or stop them from picking their noses. They were relieved to know they weren't the only mother struggling with the countless tasks.
Am I a perfect mom? No.
Am I a good mom? Yes, undoubtedly.
If you're struggling with mom guilt, remember that being "perfect" is not an option. The opportunities to improve as a parent are infinite and life long. You're doing the best you can with what you have, and you're doing better than you think.
This Mother's Day, tell a mom in your life that she's doing a good job. She needs to hear it. And next time you're tempted to judge a mom watching her phone while she's at the park with her kid, remember she is doing her absolute best.
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