Olive Garden mania: What Saskatchewan's obsession with franchises says about us

This piece was originally published March 30, 2019.

Saskatchewan recently lost its collective mind with the announcement of two Olive Gardens opening respectively in Regina and Saskatoon later this year.

Olive Garden, where "bolognese" is Italian for "aggressive sodium dosage," sparked joy and confusion online and in homes. Citizens fervently debated the merits of unlimited soup, salad, breadsticks and bloating.

There's nothing wrong with Olive Garden. It gets the job done, and it might even be kind of thrilling, like an edible PowerPoint presentation.

The thing that surprises me is the outpouring of emotion incoming chain stores inevitably bring.

Right up there on the list of things that make us unique — calling hoodies "bunnyhugs" or ignoring daylight savings — this province has always had a freakish obsession with franchises.

New chains affect us like the arrival of biblical deities. Chili's, Five Guys, Carl's Jr., and Applebee's descended like the four horsemen of the hydrogenated apocalypse.

When H&M came, we celebrated by lining up outside, burning our old clothes, then sending threatening photos of our cold, naked bodies to Toronto just to prove we're cultured now.

If Ikea ever opens, we will speak in tongues and drink human blood.

It's an ego thing, I believe. We want bigger cities to look at us and think, "Wow, Saskatchewan has Olive Garden now. I bet none of them have accidentally matched with a cousin on Tinder."

We're obsessed with being a "have" province and for some reason that means attracting brands. For many of us, big businesses moving in is like getting invited to sit with the cool kids. Winnipeg has two Olive Gardens. Do you really want to sit with them, Saskatchewan? Their claim to fame is being the Slurpee capital of the world. They're sticky weirdos.

We don't need that validation!

Besides, we have so many authentic experiences you can't find in a franchise.

Maybe you're confused about what authenticity is, so I'll put it like this: Imagine you have a friend from a tropical location, and they come to visit. The weather here is a delightful -10 C when they get off the plane.

If that friend said, "Wow! -10 C! I'm experiencing an authentic Saskatchewan winter!" you would laugh, and then you would show them the freezer burn scars on your hands you got last season while chipping tears off your own miserable face.

That's what it feels like when I eat Olive Garden carbonara.

The thing is, if you really want affordable authenticity, this province has so many amazing local options.

Where's the fanfare for Regina selections like Quan Ngon's pho soup, Caraway Grill's lamb masala or Copper Kettle's spinach and feta pizza? When is the parade for EE Burritos, Leyda's Cafe and Ayden Kitchen and Bar in Saskatoon?

Our farmers toil to pull fresh, seasonal produce from the earth to bring to our tables. We have all manner of exciting small businesses that run on grit and passion. I hope these experiences are safe from the franchises because they're beautiful and they're ours.

Or whatever. Cheap Olive Garden wine is great for accidental cousin dates.

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