No more choosing between physical and mental health for some LGBTQ youth in Ontario's north

OutLoud North Bay opened 18 months ago for LGBTQ youth to take refuge and safely explore their identities, but its membership has grown to the point that it's had to move out of its original space.

It's something the centre's founder, Seth Compton, said he never saw coming. 

Today, the former nightclub in the northern Ontario city is buzzing with colourful murals of familiar faces like George Floyd and Marsha P. Johnson, a library filled with books on the vibrant lives and stories of the LGBTQ community and a used clothing closet for children in transition.

The space even has a half-pipe ramp installed, in case they want to try skateboarding.

The community hub is a home away from home to about 300 youth in North Bay and the surrounding areas. On average, about 75 walk through its doors every day. 

Many have been struggling as they search for body binders — undergarments that resemble sports bras or tank tops, and are typically used to flatten breasts. They help to quiet potentially life-threatening mental health conditions like gender dysphoria — a person's unease over their biological sex and the gender with which they identify.

I've had some kids in here coughing up blood.— Seth Compton, founder of OutLoud North Bay

Compton knows that all too well. 

"When I physically came out as transgender, I started looking online for different options to order binders. There's no local resources, so I would have to order out of Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal, the U.K." 

But even when he found them, he ran into challenges. Compton said his wife would help him measure his chest, but when the binders arrived in the mail, they didn't fit properly. Some of them even restricted his ability to breathe. 

Out of desperation, Compton said, he would sometimes wear them, but often wasn't able to bear them for more than an hour or so. His concern, he said, is that when kids run into similar issues, they'll sacrifice their physical health to quell mental health conditions like gender dysphoria. 

"Some of these kids are wearing them 12 hours a day. They can break out in acne, they can get scars, blisters, have issues breathing, bruised ribs — I've had some kids in here coughing up blood," said Compton, who was a child and youth worker in Hamilton before founding OutLoud. 

"As a parent, that breaks me. As a person that identifies as trans, it's heartbreaking because I know that these kids are not properly fitted."

Now, Compton and his small team are working hard to create their own safe body binders.

Physically, it hurt really, really bad. It made my ribs hurt, it made my back hurt.— Jackson Pauls, 16, on wearing ill-fitting binders

Jackson Pauls is 16 years old and will be trying on the prototypes, as the team attempts to perfect a safe design. He said he first encountered body binders on the internet during conversations with other trans people over Instagram when he was about 13 years old. 

"The first one, it was like a soft material ... it felt too small for me even though it was my size," he said.

Jackson said that mentally, he felt so good that he ignored his body. 

"Physically, it hurt really, really bad. It made my ribs hurt, it made my back hurt," he said, "Breathing was really hard, especially when it came to exercise and gym because I'm like, 'Oh, I'll just take it off for gym.' But I never did." 

Monique Pauls is Jackson's mom. Most days, she commutes more than an hour to North Bay from Commanda, Ont., to make sure Jackson can spend time at OutLoud.

Looking back, she said, she wishes Jackson had come to her earlier so that they could have navigated the world of binders together, right from the start. 

"He got a friend to get it for him and I found out through text messages because he was using my phone at the time," she said.

While she sees the difference the binders have made in her son's life, Monique said there are still moments of concern.

"I also knew that there were times when he was wearing it a little too long, where I had to say to him, 'You gotta take it off.' Especially at home." 

"I know it makes you feel better, but what outweighs what? Like, the risks or how you're feeling?" 

I don't want the binders to cause any harm that will require rehabilitation. Having a binder that can move through all aspects of your life as efficiently as possible is the idea.— Dani Pigeon

Dani Pigeon has been making the binders from her living room. She said her aim is to ensure trans and non-binary youth don't have to sacrifice their physical health for their mental well-being. 

She hopes to use her two years of educational background in occupational and physio therapy.

"I don't want the binders to cause any harm that will require rehabilitation. Having a binder that can move through all aspects of your life as efficiently as possible is the idea." 

Pigeon said that so far, she's scrapped about three dozen prototypes. For Pigeon, the binders need to be as safe as possible, and she's willing to wait, "Because I don't want to put my name on something that's going to hurt someone." 

When she sits at her sewing machine, she thinks of her own child who identifies as non-binary and may need a safe binder one day soon. 

Vincent Bolt, who's with TG Innersevles,  a peer support service for trans people in Sudbury, said it's imperative the undergarment industry works to make body binders more accessible.

"I think it's the perception that there's not enough trans people for it to be worth the retail space," Bolt said, "However, it is. It's not only trans people that wear them. There are people who wear them that are cisgender men who have gynecomastia," enlarged breast tissue in males, "there are people who wear them because they cosplay or they dress in drag." 

"There is a growing market and a growing demand. Being able to go to school, and not have people staring at your chest, or making comments or being harassed because someone figures out you're trans — it is life changing." 

For now, the options remain limited to none at much of the major retailers selling undergarments. The CBC has reached out to several retailers — including Victoria's Secret, La Senza and Knixwear — to see if there are plans to expand product offerings to body binders.

Victoria's Secret said the company is exploring different products, but didn't specify if they include binders. The CBC is still waiting on a response from the remaining retailers.

I've had people tell me, "My mom took my binder away as a punishment," like it's taking a phone away or something. ​​​​— Jackson Pauls, 16

The CBC also reached out to local stores selling undergarments.

Morgan MacLeod, owner of the Lingerie Shoppe in Timmins, said while her shop doesn't carry body binders, she's open to include them in her offerings in the future. She said as the conversation surrounding gender identity expands, the industry is obligated to make changes. 

But children like Jackson have said they can't and won't wait for the undergarment industry to catch up, to what they see as an urgent and growing need. He said he foresees OutLoud's body binder project will help save young trans and non-binary lives in northeastern Ontario.

"There are kids who feel suicidal when they can't wear a binder. I've had people tell me, 'My mom took my binder away as a punishment,' like it's taking a phone away or something," Jackson said. 

"But it's not like taking a phone away. It's taking something that's life-saving. Being able to have that resource to get binders is amazing, especially for a small community like North Bay."