How to grieve a friend's doctor-assisted death: Remembering Hanne Schafer
Mary Valentich's grieving for her friend Hanne began when she first found out about her diagnosis, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.
"I had had a friend who had died of ALS previously, so I knew what it was," Mary told CBC's Out in the Open host Piya Chattopadhyay. "At that point I could just envision what might transpire."
Mary is a pragmatic person, so her way of dealing with feelings of loss was to make the most out of the remaining time she had with Hanne.
But she wasn't expecting that time to be spent looking for a physician who would help Hanne die on her own terms.
"She was always a person who took charge of her life, so I could support her in that," Mary explained.
"We combined our talents and our efforts: she took the lead and Daniel [Hanne's husband] and I were the assistants, and we followed her wherever she wanted to go."
The three of them—Mary, Hanne, and Hanne's husband Daniel Laurin—started preparing for Hanne's death.
It was a tough balance between trying to enjoy the remaining time together while planning a funeral. In addition to everything, the assisted dying legislation in Canada was still in the process of being finalized, which complicated the search.
She just fell asleep. It was a very peaceful death with dignity, which is what she wanted.- Mary Valentich
"You're constantly going back and forth between 'Let's live in the moment, let's enjoy ourselves.' But on the other hand, there is a goal and how do we get there?" Mary explained.
She said that being in charge of the logistics helped take her mind off the heartbreaking nature of her last project with Hanne.
"It was a lot to take on, but it wasn't sombre, because she was achieving her goal," Mary said.
The friends found a doctor in Vancouver who agreed to help with the procedure. This meant Hanne had to say many goodbyes back home in Calgary before leaving to die in an unfamiliar place. Mary and Daniel stayed with her until the end.
"She just fell asleep. It was a very peaceful death with dignity, which is what she wanted," Mary said.
Hanne is believed to be the first person in Canada outside of Quebec to be allowed to legally end her life with help from a doctor.
Mary and Daniel are only recently able to share her story with the rest of the country; a publication ban on Hanne's name had previously prohibited them to talk about the way she died. They wanted to have the ban lifted in order to help other families struggling with the same process, as well as share insight into the life of patients seeking physician-assisted death.