4 pinot grigios that pair nicely with everyone shutting up about wine forever

When some huge nerd at your table slowly brings his wine glass to his quivering lips, wistfully savours the "vivid bouquet" and comments on the "robustness" of that year's grape, do you detect notes of endless bullshit? You're not alone. Please enjoy these five pinot grigios that pair quite nicely with everyone shutting the hell up about wine forever!

1. Piedra Negra Pinot Grigio 2016, Uco Valley

This organic pinot from Argentina has a bold finish, evoking fantasies of boldly finishing your first date with Gary who will not stop swirling his wine glass in tiny clockwise circles to "release the aroma", like he's starring in the most boringly pretentious Clash of the Titans remake in human history.

2. 2013 Swanson Vineyards Pinot Grigio

Let's all aspire to move through the world with the confidence of Geoff, who sampled this particular pinot during a recent vacation at a winery and politely but firmly spat it out when he didn't immediately detect notes of pineapple, peach, lawn chairs, microwaves, the kid from Who's The Boss?, venetian blinds, and Malibu Barbie.

3. Hawke's Bay Pinot Gris 2016

Much has been written about the mouthfeel of this New Zealand wine, which is apparently "crisp and clean." But let's talk about my eyefeel when I read newspaper columns in the Life section with adorably stupid names like "Wine In Rome!" or "Get a Grape!" or "The Long and Wine-ing Road". I'm sorry but the human brain is simply not equipped to process that amount of insufferable, self-satisfied crap!

4. Maculan Pinot Grigio 2015

This wine is edgy and volatile, not unlike the way I feel at a downtown Toronto dinner party when Annabellia insists on taking 37 minutes to lower her nose into her glass and breathe in and out deeply like some kind of African lion in heat. "I'm getting the blackberry and vanilla and a bit of woodsmoke," she explains with utter seriousness. Oh really? Well, I'm getting high in your bathroom at the first available opportunity! Bye forever!

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