I'm running out of ways to debase myself for this crowdfunding campaign

After being rejected from every major film-funding body in the country, including the National Film Board and my grandma, I decided that I would self-finance my latest artistic endeavour.

Following in footsteps of the Veronica Mars revival film and sick people failed by the American healthcare system, I turned to crowdfunding to get the $500,000 I really, truly need to artistically express myself.

In an effort to get people to donate, many crowdfunding campaigns offer rewards that involve personal favours, ranging from social media shoutouts to personal experiences with some of the artists involved in the project. This was the route I originally chose. I would make a cute Instagram thank-you for anyone who donated and, if you donated enough, I would draw your portrait in the style of someone who's really bad at drawing.

But after two weeks I had only managed to raise $50. This would certainly not be enough to cover lighting, cameras and Canada's favourite son, Luke Perry.

I realized that given the rise of these sorts of campaigns, it was harder and harder to stand out. That's when the rewards for my campaign got more extreme. For $20 I would come to a party dressed in the same clothes as you but all shrunken and misshapen so everyone would think "Ooooo that looks better on them." For $100 I would let you berate me for my life choices while I slowly danced to a sad polka. Anyone who donated $200 would get a two-week window in which they could light me on fire no more than twice.

By far, the most ill-thought-out perk was when I promised that if anyone donated $500 to my silent, black and white, autobiographical short film Middle Class White Man: A Visual Aria in 15 Parts,  I would name one of my children after them. Unfortunately, I am now legally obligated to father eight children and name at least four of them Noah.  

You might be wondering why I don't just stop crowdfunding now and use the money I have already raised to make my "impossible to monetize" short film. Or why I don't hire anybody else besides the surprisingly expensive Luke Perry. Why do I let people list me as a dependant for taxes, change my legal name or cover me in pastry, force feed me pumpkin, nutmeg and cinnamon and call me "little pumpkin pie boy."

It's because I got what all real artists desire: attention completely removed from the art I create. I mean, what's more important: creating something or telling people about how good you are at creating art?

Sorry to ramble for so long! Thank you for reading this Kickstarter update. Remember Support! Share! Donate! I need another $20,000 for Luke Perry's trailer.

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