Kneel before me, for I have grown a large pumpkin in my spare time

Prepare to meet thy doom, fellow entrants in the Cheswick County Fall Fair Pumpkin Growing Contest! For this year, I, local retiree Tom Windhurst, have forged from the Earth a pumpkin so large, your puny entries have no path to victory! These pathetic gourds exist at the mercy of my beautiful, orange colossus, for the Blue Ribbon shall be mine!

Recant and beg for leniency, all ye who hoped to win this competition! For my 128-pound pumpkin will slay yours with indiscriminate prejudice, as it is a VERY large pumpkin! And it is I, former accountant Tom Windhurst The Mighty, who is responsible for this incredible size! It was I who sewed the specialty seeds I bought on the internet! It was I who quenched the young pumpkin's thirst with water from my 50-foot Gardenia-brand soaker hose! And it was I who nourished it into its aforementioned robustness and taught it the art of war! It is from mine own mortal hands this great pumpkin was thrust! AND YOU WILL BOW TO IT!

Behold my pumpkin's many splendours and know that your miserable offerings could never compare! See its hearty umbilical stem, freshly shorn from its mother vine! Marvel at its sturdy, pachydermatous outer rind, so orange and magestic! Imagine the vastness of its internal pulp, sinewy and moist! Envision the enormity of its seeds and their underlying power! For this is clearly a pumpkin for the Gods! And I, hobbyist gardener Tom Windhurst The Indomitable, have made it so!

Kneel before me now or live to regret it, for you will be vanquished with great swiftness! The judges will know from the first glance how much larger my very large pumpkin is beside your lowly fruit! When they weigh each on the scale, it will be only a formality – the superlative dimensions of my gargantuan pumpkin render it a physical impossibility that yours is heavier! As the digital readout provides unassailable objective proof to my established claims, you will know the depths of your failure to have grown a larger pumpkin than I, Tom Windhurst The One True King Of Pumpkin Growing In Cheswick County!

It is only a matter of time before the Blue Ribbon is affixed beside my name and the Keg Gift Card is in my clutches! For the forces of the universe have smiled upon this day of jubilee that mine efforts have compelled such immense size from my pumpkin!

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