Comedy·LOONEY LEBRONS

LeBron turns down Space Jam reboot after realizing he already carried some hapless cartoons to a championship

“I’m just saying — what’s Bugs Bunny next to Dwyane Wade only giving me 11.2 a game all year?”
(Photo of LeBron from flickr / Keith Allison)

For years — decades, even — he's been called Michael Jordan's heir apparent.

Though those critics were heaping praise only on his basketball skills at the beginning, that kind of talk eventually passed from the NBA court to the film world as well. Hollywood insiders and audiences alike agree that LeBron James is the only man who could ever fill Jordan's size 13s.

Those plans, however, are now scuttled and executives are scrambling after James pulled himself from consideration from the role. Apparently the star abruptly realized he has already lived the plot of the film by taking a ragtag group of non-professional basketball players on his shoulders and leading them to glory.

"I'm just saying — what's Bugs Bunny next to Dwyane Wade only giving me 11.2 a game all year?" says James in an exclusive interview with basketball site Net Worth.

"Yeah, Jordan rules the court in that movie; none of his teammates can do what he does. Must be an amazing feeling. I wonder what that's like! Oh wait, please look at the stats sheet for the 2017-2018 Cleveland Cavaliers, where you can see that I led the team in points, steals, blocks, and assists."

"Yes, Kevin Love, who is two inches taller than me, outrebounded me by 0.7 a game. Guess what? I bounced a lot of those off the rim on purpose. I thought that was a fun way for me to let him have the ball without getting even more assists than I already have and putting my teammates to shame even more."

"It's just like how I imagine Michael gave the ball even to Wayne Knight once in a while in that movie. Probably. Again, not gonna re-watch it: I live it."

King James's refusal causes some major issues, especially in light of Michael Jordan's recent revelations that he actually bet on opposing team the Monstars, and that he did this despite having read the script of the film, which clearly showed Jordan's side winning.

Given this new information, there's no way Warner Brothers would be able to justify bringing MJ back for a sequel even if he wanted in, so who else could step in?

Executives are looking at DeMar DeRozan, who they feel would even admit himself that's the only way he's going to get it done, though there is some concern that he would fail to get it done in the final moments even when playing out a completely fictional and pre-arranged script.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jeremy has been a staff writer for This Hour Has 22 Minutes, performed stand-up comedy at the Just For Laughs and Winnipeg Comedy Festivals, and co-created/stars in the popular video series The Urbane Explorer/Finding Bessarion. A 3x Canadian Comedy Award–winner and published humour columnist, he also wrote your favourite joke, the one about the fish trying to get a job at a bank.