REPORT: Sunflower seeds feeling pretty outclassed in this fancy salad kit

According to the other denizens of the Richmond Healthy Valley Spring Mix pre-made salad kit, the sunflower seeds are feeling like real second-rate ingredients in this company.

Enclosed within a tiny plastic package alongside other, far more glamorous garnishes for an elaborate spring mix salad, and next to another package containing a glorious poppy seed/balsamic vinaigrette, the sunflower seeds' self-image is said to be at an all-time low.

Reached for comment on the rumours, the little beige fellows demurred at first, but soon opened up.

"You know… it is what it is," said a sunflower seed. "It takes all the ingredients to make a salad. That's what my mom always said. So I can keep it in perspective that way, I'm all right. It's just… you know, I'm sitting here and looking around me, and I'm seeing kale. I'm seeing cranberries. I'm seeing arugula!"

"I'm seeing… I don't even know what those things are called, they're like little greenish-white skinny trees? Really frou-frou fancy stuff! I've never seen them outside of a salad mix but you sure know you're always gonna find them in one. Maybe they have a great agent. Oh man, I gotta get a better agent, you have no idea."

Asked about the matter, the dried cranberries were diplomatic.

"You know, he's… he shouldn't get so down on himself. We all matter, and he's real important, for sure. It's so good to have him around for… oh boy, let's see… the crunch! Texture, you know? And with me around you totally don't notice the taste. Not that the taste is bad! Can you read that back to me? That sounded a bit bad."

"Honestly, I actually have to fully disagree with the sunflower seed on his being the worst," says arugula. "Has he even seen spinach? I got no issue with you as long as spinach is around."

"What's that guy doing here? Buddy, we have the greens thing taken care of. You should listen to him sometime. 'Hey, it's cool that they get all these fancy greens in here, eh? Fancy greens like all of us?'"

"No, I see some arugula, some mesclun, a little Russian kale, all sitting around together being exotic, and then I also see the guy who nobody would eat growing up even when their parents forced them, going, 'Hey guys, can I hang out with you? You guys??' Shove, buddy."

When informed of the supportive comments of his colleagues, the sunflower seed brushed them off.

"They're just being nice. The only way I'll be even the second-worst thing in here is if the buyer tosses some iceberg lettuce on top when he makes his salad, but you and I know that's not gonna happen. He doesn't want to put that kind of work in. That's why he's buying a salad-in-a-bag."

At press time, things were looking up for the sunflower seeds because it turns out the company that makes the salad is thinking of adding mushrooms, to which he said, "no matter your feeling on their taste, pretty sure you know how they're grown. Yep. In poo."

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