Signs you will die in the first 10 minutes of this action movie

You're lucky enough to find yourself in an unexpected new situation: you are a character in a thrilling, fast-paced action film. But will you get to enjoy it for long? Not if any of the following criteria sound familiar.

YOU DO NOT SEEM TO HAVE A LAST NAME

"Thanks a lot, Fred. You've been a lot of help. Take care," says the hero (usually called Doug or Strike or Chopper or Elektra or something like that) to you. Or possibly "Fred… you know what you have to do."

"Fred who?" you are tempted to reply.

"… what?" says the startled hero/actor playing the hero.

"Fred who? What's my last name? WHAT'S MY LAST NAME?" you should shout, knowing that on the next page of the script you are probably scheduled to be killed by an explosion you neither see nor hear before it happens, because that's what happens to characters for whom the creative team hasn't even devoted enough thought to give them a surname, one of the most common things in the world, if not the commonest.

"Cut!" shouts the director. "It doesn't matter. This guy doesn't matter. Try it again without the last name stuff, please."

If you look at the cast list for the film and cannot find a last name listed for your character, start throwing one in whenever possible, even if you don't have many lines in which to do so. After a sneeze, for example, you could say, "Whoa, what was that, Smith? Get it together, Smith. Fred Smith."

YOU "DON'T THINK IT'S MUCH OF A THREAT"

Why would you even say that?? What is the benefit of saying that? How many fates are you trying to tempt, exactly? And why would anybody have even brought anything up on any topic in an action movie—something famously full of threats of all kinds—if it wasn't much of a threat? It's probably a threat, whatever it is.

You should avoid saying anything resembling the following:

"I just don't see how that's much of a threat"; "I don't think there's anything to worry about. Let's just relax and settle in for the evening, defences fully down"; or most dangerous of all, "You're overreacting. You're always overreacting. Yes, your instincts were right last time, and the time before. But does that mean they're likely to be right this time? Or does every single time you're right only lower the odds that you'll be right next time? I believe that's how odds work. Nobody can be right every single time, [Doug, Strike, Chopper, Elektra, Lazer, whatever their name is in this one]. Nobody. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to continue on with business as usual, and hold my previously scheduled important meeting in the very location they've threatened to strike."

Never continue on with business as usual and hold your previously scheduled important meeting in the very location they have threatened to strike.

Never.

THE HERO LINGERS A BIT TOO LONG WHEN SAYING GOODBYE TO YOU

If you're leaving a conversation, rendezvous, lunch, or even an unexpected casual run-in with the movie's hero, make a hasty farewell. Do not stick around long enough to give him or her time to make that interaction meaningful, because nobody who has a meaningful interaction with the hero of an action movie is likely to be around much longer.

You want to avoid any situation in which the hero has time to say to you, "Fred… thank you." This places an importance upon your character that your actions and status as a last-name-less person can in no way live up to, and thus suggests that your importance will lie in the way you inspire the film's thankful hero, possibly via a death that comes from: 1) drinking poisoned tea, 2) opening an envelope with a bomb inside it even though that envelope was clearly folded in a way that would seem to preclude its containing a bomb of any kind, or 3) having your head knocked clean off by a rocket.

If the hero ever says, "Fred… thank you," by no means should you ever downplay this gesture, saying something like, "It was nothing." Because not only does this prolong your encounter (a no-no, as mentioned above) but you also run the risk of him trying to reassure you by saying, "No, no…" before clasping your hand manlily (sic?) to his chest and saying, "I mean it. Thank. You. For everything."

If this happens, you should run as fast as you can, and as far as you can, ideally somewhere past the next scene, because in that scene you are likely to be murdered in a very unambiguous manner; there will be no question that you are dead, and you are very unlikely to return in a later scene or sequel.

YOU TELL THE HERO YOU HAVE TO MEET THEM IN PERSON

If you are on a phone call with the hero because you have important information to share, do not, by any means, say that you have to meet them in person to say what you have to say.

You know that meeting's never going to happen.

Just tell them whatever you have to say on the phone. If they say, "Look, I've got to go. Meet me in person tonight, on top of the Reynolds Building, and you can say what you have to say then," tell them that they are rude. Very rude. And just tell them to listen to you for a second; listen to Fred Smith.

YOU ARE A VERY FAMOUS/VERY NON-FAMOUS ACTOR

If you are a major star at the level of a Steven Seagal, Vin Diesel, or some combination of the two (Channing Tatum?), and are given a lot of screen time in the first ten minutes of the movie but appear nowhere on the poster or in the advertising for the film, that's because the director thought it would be "creative" and "groundbreaking" if you died early on. And if you are given a lot of screen time in the first ten minutes of the film but we have never heard of you, that's because you are scheduled to die very soon because who cares?

To avoid this, try being a medium-level star. Note: this may take several years and several prior films. What, you busy? Too busy to avoid dying?

If you encounter any of these warning signs while appearing in an action film, try any of the aforementioned suggestions to avoid being immediately dead, or simply accept your fate.

You should probably just accept your fate, though. You're probably going to die.

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