William, Kate worry third child may experience classic 'youngest child' and 'will never be monarch' syndrome
BUCKINGHAM PALACE—It's always a tricky position for any child to find him or herself in, being at the bottom of the family both in terms of age and future power and dominion over all he or she can survey with the naked eye.
William, the Duke of Cambridge, and Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, have resolved to do everything within their power to help their upcoming third child deal with that classic, almost stereotypical situation of being the youngest child, but also being so close to the throne that you can almost taste it, while knowing you will never experience the glory of ruling over all Britannia and its commonwealth.
"Though I myself am the older child, and of course am due to be king of my country and its realm within the next few decades, I am sympathetic to my future child's plight," said William.
"Catherine and I will do our best to raise young Thomas, or Millicent, or Viscount, or Reggie, or whatsowhomever we shall name the child, in the exact same way we raised George, who will be king as well, in fact he will be king of his brothers and/or sisters even, though I'm sure that won't cause any kind of a weird 'vibe' amongst them as they all grow up together."
Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge, also weighed in.
"I myself am the eldest of three siblings. I also will one day rule over my country with an expert blend of a hard iron fist and a soft velvet glove. In this sense, I have almost nothing in common with my third child," she said.
"However, I see in my younger brother and sister what it is like to be not only the youngest sibling, but also to know that no matter how hard you work or how much money you make, you will not have that ineffable sense of power, of subjugation over a land and its riches that I feel in my bones, and that William also feels, and that I will do everything in my power (which is an incredible, insane amount of power, as I mentioned earlier) to make sure that young Todd, or Venus, or Myron, or whatsowhomever we shall name the child, will never feel the deep, deep, deep, deep lack of."
I have almost nothing in common with my third child- Kate Middleton
We were granted an exclusive audience with Queen Elizabeth II via Skype, and asked how her youngest and only sibling, Margaret, handled the twin pressures of being the new kid in the household and also existing on the outside of the levers of power, yet so close to snatching control of a government but by sheer accident of birth order still so far away, the very closeness only making the pain and the bitterness that much more powerful.
"She wasn't into it, but there was nothing she could do, absolutely nothing," said Elizabeth, before laughing a regally maniacal laugh for upwards of ten minutes.
"We shall make sure, however, that the child, be it named Elizabeth, or Liz, or whatsowhomever they choose to name it, will not experience that sort of yearning, as perhaps he or she would this time be successful in the attempt to snatch the throne, and this must not be allowed, this must never be allowed!"
At press time, Queen Elizabeth II had again laughed for upwards of twenty minutes, to the point where we hung up on her if you can even believe that.
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