Crossing Oceans: One mother's story of grieving, remembrance

I met Wendy Hayward just a few days before I was set to leave what may be my last tour embedded with Canadian troops in Afghanistan. Canadian civilian workers go to Kandahar Airfield (KAF) for any number reasons — to make money, to make a difference, to escape an old life or even to start a new one. Wendy Hayward is working at stores at Kandahar Airfield for a reason like no other.  

Her son, Cpl. James Hayward Arnal, 25, was killed by an improvised explosive device (IED) in Panjwaii district in July 2008, not far from KAF. He was the 88th Canadian soldier to die while on mission in Afghanistan. 

I spent some time chatting with Wendy at the Canadian store near the media tent, and even shed some tears with her. She is a mother who will go to extraordinary lengths, literally crossing oceans, to make sure her son is remembered.  

Immediately following the death of James, Hayward set up a foundation in his memory. Carpediem88 provides an opportunity and funding for young people to chase their dreams in far-off lands or even in Canada. The only real criteria: their passion must include giving back to others. That is the way Wendy remembers James, as a young man who wanted, above all, to give back to others.

But Hayward didn't stop there.  

She retired early from a successful banking career and headed to Afghanistan herself. At Tim Hortons and two Canadian stores on KAF, she serves coffee, sells treats and cigarettes to soldiers and to civilians serving in Afghanistan, believing there is no higher honour and no job more important than what she is doing.

The payback for Hayward is seeing her son in the eyes of every soldier who drops in. This is her way of reconnecting with a son she lost thousand of kilometres from home. She experiences a little bit of what he experienced before he died. She finds comfort in making her life about what James made his life about. I imagine a mother who has lost a child never really heals, but Wendy Hayward is growing and finding comfort where she can.    

To be honest, it was difficult for me to ask Hayward the questions that would inevitably cause her to relive her pain. I've done these types of interviews before and they never get easier. Hayward's purpose in exposing her soul to me and in turn to you, our viewers, listeners and readers, was to make sure that James and all the other fallen soldiers will be remembered for who they were.   

So, this Remembrance Day, while I pay tribute to all of Canada's fallen, I will also remember Cpl. James Hayward Arnal. His mom asked me to. 

Carolyn Dunn is the CBC's Africa Correspondent.  Prior to her posting in Kenya, she was a national reporter on Parliament Hill and in Alberta, in addition to numerous overseas assignments, including several tours in Afghanistan.