President Chaulk: A report from 2041, straight from Palais Mile One

This column is an opinion — and a satirical take on Newfoundland and Labrador's prolonged election — by Edward Riche, a novelist and playwright in St. John's. For more information about CBC's Opinion section, please see the FAQ.

A report from the Toronto Globe and Sun – Canada's Only Newspaper. July 14, 2041

Perhaps for the last time, fanatical followers of aged Newfoundland President Bruce Chaulk celebrated the anniversary of his unlikely (and, in the eyes of the faithful, miraculous) election as premier of the then province of Canada, Newfoundland and Labrador, on July 13, 2021.

Newfoundland and Labrador was expelled from Canada in 2039.

As many as 10,000 Chaulkists congregated at the opulent Palais Mile One, a glittering arena-turned-temple among the rat-infested ruins of St. John's, the onetime capital.

At precisely 15:36 Newfoundland Triple Daylight Savings Time, the ecstatic crowd danced and cheered as thousands of ballots all marked for a single candidate, Bruce Chaulk, were released from drums attached to the ceiling to rain down upon the delirious throng.

President's Chaulk's annual address was delivered, as has been the case for the past seven years, by the Great Wizard of Nalcor, Edwina Martin. Nalcor is a secretive state-owned enterprise that is Newfoundland's only employer and, with the equally opaque St. John's Sports and Entertainment, controls all aspects of life on the remote island.

In an unprecedented show of unity the duelling governments in exile — led by Jolene (Big) Foote in Goose Bay, Que., and Danny Williams III, on the COVID-38 quarantine island of Fort Lauderdale in the Florida archipelago — issued a joint statement condemning the Chaulk government. They assert that President Chaulk has been non compos mentis for years, even before his first unexpected election victory, and that real power resides with a small clutch of senior leadership at Nalcor.

Indeed, from within his Haggie-7 portable Virus King Full Body Condom, President Chaulk's glassy eyes stared straight ahead focused on some middle distance in the air above the audience, his expression unchanging during the entire event.

The President was whisked from the site by Muskrat Falls security at the conclusion of official festivities.

President Chaulk has declined press interviews since March 2021.

The 'July surprise' of 2021

Interviewed on CBC Lite, Prof. Waldo Blidook, an expert in Newfoundland Affairs at Dalhousie University in Halifax, said the unending crisis in the island nation is rooted in a comic approach to politics unique to the culture.

"The people of Newfoundland always looked on their backward, corrupt polity with amusement. It's no coincidence that such a disproportionate number of people in the comedy end of show business once emerged from that tiny population," he said.

"But after the 'July surprise' in 2021, laughter at the state of affairs became a worrying sign of mass hysteria. My uncle lived there at the time and told me that in the summer and fall of 2021 deranged cackling could be heard coming for behind the closed doors of the houses as one walked down any street. The people of Newfoundland are now permanently seized with their delusions, unable to see life there as anything but a sick joke they continue to play on themselves."

Opponents of the Chaulk regime blame inept Nalcor officials for the financial disaster of the Gull Island electrical project. Construction of the hydroelectric dam was budgeted a $14 billion but ultimately cost six times that, bankrupting the then province and forcing it to sell its mainland portion, Labrador, to the province of Quebec.

Even in the face of Nalcor's serial disasters, the fact that the sparsely populated province with such tremendous natural resource wealth and proximity to European markets was never the wealthiest in Canada has long baffled social scientists and humourists.

There remain no commercial flights to Newfoundland. Upon expulsion from the Canadian Confederation in 2039, President Chaulk blew up the Dumaresque tunnel linking the island to the mainland.

He also scuttled ferries to Nova Scotia — the MV Gilbert Bennett and the MV Kathy Dunderdale — so contact with Newfoundland now is sporadic.

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